If You Want to Change the World… Love a Woman

If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,
every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.-Lisa Citrone


"When a fairly spiritual male friend of mine who had finally found and was deepening into committed relationship with his soul mate confided in me he was thinking of being single again, and in the next breath expressed his latest idea for raising consciousness worldwide, I wrote this poem". -Lisa Citrone
http://www.magdalenewomen.com/

If I Could Be where You Are

If I Could Be where You Are
-Enya
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bYcDwirqDQ&feature=related
Here's another song that resonates with me when it comes to my (our) loss of Lisa.  I heard it for the first time today, on my way to my sister Sharon's house to celebrate mothers day with our mom.  Lisa was one of my #1 moms and Enya was one of her favorite artists - music also being one of her favorite things.  She would always have music on wherever she was.

If I Could Be Where You Are lyrics

Where are you this moment?
only in my dreams.
You're missing, but you're always
a heartbeat from me.
I'm lost now without you,
I don't know where you are.
I keep watching, I keep hoping,
but time keeps us apart

Is there a way I can find you,
is there a sign I should know,
is there a road I could follow
to bring you back home?

Winter lies before me
now you're so far away.
In the darkness of my dreaming
the light of you will stay

If I could be close beside you
If I could be where you are
if I could reach out and touch you
and bring you back home
Is there a way I can find you
Is there a sign I should know
Is there a road I could follow
to bring you back home to me

"May It Be"  by Celtic Woman

May it be an evening star,
Shines down upon you.
May it be when darkness falls,
Your heart will be true.
You walk a lonely road;
Oh, how far you are from home....

Mornie utulie (darkness has come),
Believe and you will find your way.
Mornie alantie (darkness has fallen),
A promise lives within you now....

May it be the shadows call,
Will fly away.
May it be your journey on,
To light the day.
When the night is overcome,
You may rise to find the sun.

Mornie utulie (darkness has come),
Believe and you will find your way.
Mornie alantie (darkness has fallen),
A promise lives within you now....

A promise lives within you now....

One More Time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RZCBD3-syY

One More Time lyrics

I lie half awake
Late at night
I reach out to touch you
To feel you by my side
And I reach
And I reach
But I never get to feel you
Will I ever get to feel you again?

Again...

Just one more time
One more moment
To take you in my arms
One more chance
One more kiss
Before I wake to find you gone

One more time
Before I have to face another day
And my heart breaks...again

It's only a dream
But it's also real
I don't want it to end
But I know it will
So I pray and I pray
Every night I'm on my knees
Begging for the chance to see you again

Again…

It's been a long, lonely time...

1:40am, I'm sick and tired - literally.  Yet I feel a need to have a discussion with you.

I'm missing you, I'm confused.  I don't see the reason, the justification, the "good".  I don't think I ever will.  I miss you.  The kids do too.  Jayson's got a good friend overnight, Taysha's in her bed, asleep and Maya's here in my bed with me, also asleep.  We mentioned you again today.  Did you notice?  Do you notice me- the kids? Where are you?  I say, and I believe that you're always here with me, but it's so difficult.  Difficult to believe, difficult to "be", and difficult to "live".  "Here in spirit" sucks!  It's not enough - it's not working for me!  I'm not giving up, don't worry, just sayin', it's difficult.

Christmas is here again.  The tree is up - what a pain that is every year... now... since you've been gone.  God this sucks without you!  You're so alive and beautiful in my dreams - then I wake up.  I hate waking up sometimes.  So easy to stay in bed when I'm only working 20 or so hours each week.  So easy to sleep hoping to dream of you again.

Most days it seems like forever ago, that horrible morning.  That horrible mourning.  I've been so busy without you.  I miss having you as the one who understood everything about me.  You knew me like no one else.  You know the persons and the personalities I deal with - at work - my friends.  I could talk to you and get answers that made sense.  Adult conversations with someone who knows, someone who's on my side are nonexistent now.  I miss that - I miss you.  I miss looking into your eyes and seeing your love for me there.  Two years and two months too long.  It's been too long.  So much farther yet to go... so far to go.  Thank God for family, yours and mine.  Thank God for friends, yours and mine.

Is there a reason for this?  Is something good supposed to come of this?  I don't get it.  It's just pain is all it is.  Two years and two months and so far yet to go.  I feel so alone, alone together with our three beautiful children.

2:40am, I'm sick and tired - literally.  I'm going to sleep now.  Maybe I'll dream of you, maybe not.  I don't know anymore which I'd prefer...

"First Thoughts" by Lisa Brune

This was written by Lisa, she dated it 9/11-9/12  -- approximately one month before she died.

We meet as strangers but once, each carrying our own mystery within us.  We cannot say who you are.  We may never know you completely.  But we trust that you are a person in your own right, a Child of God possessed of a beauty and value that are the richest treasures of the universe.  So we make this promise to you: We will impose no identities upon you, but we will invite you to become yourself without shame or fear.  We will hold open a space for you in the world and allow your right to fill it with authentic passion and purpose.  For as long as your search takes, you have our loyalty.
Namaste

From "Men's Health" - Lessons in Fatherhood

http://www.menshealth.com/best-life/get-out-my-room?cm_mmc=Yahoo_Blog-_-Health-_-9_Strange_But_True_Health_Tips-_-Get_Out_Of_My_Room

Father, oh father, why are you so mad?
I’m just a little kid—I’m not trying to be bad

Yet every night, you cuss under your breath
It’s almost as if you think that I’m deaf

Yes, I get it, your life has so changed
But that’s no reason to start acting deranged

1 out of 3 kids doesn't live with a dad
Now I know why—some fathers are pathetic and sad

I know you welcomed me into your life
After carefree coitus with your career-minded wife

Now you're both exhausted and seem only to argue
Is it my fault? Really, what should I do?

Here’s an idea: Relax and have a beer
And let me solve our little problem by being the man here

Did you know that I’ll fall asleep 40 percent faster
If you create a bedtime routine that I can master?

Didn’t think so, and there’s another benefit I’ll cite
With a routine, I’ll sleep an extra hour each night

And if I shut my eyes nightly for 10 hours of peace
Research shows I’m much less likely to wind up obese

Experts also say you should read to me 30 minutes a pop
Yet after just one little book you can't wait to stop

If it bores you that much, I’ll give you a tip
Just make it up, the words you can skip

This all boosts my vocabulary and word knowledge
Which someday may help me score a scholarship to college

Now let’s talk about when I want to color and swing
Why is it you can’t stop all that goddamned texting?

The brainiacs say if you pay attention to me
I’m likely to be less violent when I hit puberty

Yet you don’t quite grasp the concept of play, I infer
Maybe I should tell Mom what’s on your web browser

If you want me to stop crying, then let’s lose the ’tude
And go outside—studies say exercise improves my mood

Please straighten up, Dad, and get your head out of your ass
My young and innocent years just aren’t going to last

I can’t take care of myself, so I must look to you
Now man up and sack up—you know what to do

Give me a kiss and bid me “Good night!”
And think about how you can make this thing right

’Cuz if forever you’re going to be chock-full of gloom
You’d might as well just get the f**k out of my room

Words by Eric Adams, Steve Belanger, Adam Campbell, and Bill Phillips
  
My thanks to Lisa Newburn for her posting on Facebook! 

Untitled

Above it all for a while
Untouchable and safe
We move together in elements
That typify this mood

No one can see us
Not that we care

I don't explain anything
No need to share

Our journey has just begun

-Lisa (Small) Brune -1996

The Traveler By James Dillet Freeman

She has put on invisibility.
Dear Lord, I cannot see—
But this I know, although the road
    ascends
And passes from my sight,
That there will be no night;
That You will take her gently by the
    hand
And lead her on
Along the road of life that never ends,
And she will find it is not death but
    dawn.
I do not doubt that You are there as
    here,
And You will hold her dear.

Our life did not begin with birth,
It is not of the earth;
And this that we call death, it is no
    more
Than the opening and closing of a
    door—
And in Your house how many rooms
    must be
Beyond this one where we rest
    momently.

Dear Lord, I thank You for the faith
    that frees,
The love that knows it cannot lose its
    own;
The love that, looking through the
    shadows, sees
That You and she and I are ever one!

This I Believe - by: Jayson R. Brune

This I believe.

I believe that life isn't always fair, but you always have to keep moving forward.  Life is not always happy or sad.  It is not always good or always evil.  The world is a happy and sad place.  Quite like the story I am about to tell right now.

It was a cool, crisp morning around 5:00am and out of nowhere I heard a strange sound.  I think it was the scariest noise ever.  I called from my bed, "Dad!  What's that noise?"  He replied, "It's just your mom snoring."  I shouted, "Okay," down the hall and tried to fall back asleep.

Then the noise got louder and no longer sounded like her usual snoring.  My mom was unresponsive so my dad, in a panicky voice, yelled, "Call 911!"  I rushed to the phone.  I was so nervous and scared I could hardly hear the operator on the the other end.  I ran to my dad and handed him the phone.

About four or five minutes later a fire truck and an ambulance arrived at our house.  The men actually fit a stretcher in the door of my house.  There was a lot of commotion and I did not really understand what was going on.  Then some of my neighbors came over and one of them took my sisters and I over to her house.  This was a school morning and it happened at 5:00am.

We came back home around 7:00am and everyone was there - aunts, uncles, friends and neighbors.  Everyone was crying and when I saw them, I started crying too.  We did not go to school that day.  My mom died at the hospital.

I felt like life was not fair that day.  My mom had died and my siblings and I always believed that she would live until she was old.  It was the saddest day ever.  While I am still grieving the death of my mother, I have learned that not everyone lives until they are old.  For some reason, whether it is disease, an accident or some other event, some people are taken from us before we are ready.  I believe that life is not always fair, but you always must keep moving forward.

This I believe.

Still here

You were wondering weren't you?  I'm still here.


I'm still here
I'm still the same
I'm still sad
I'm still confused
I'm still on a one way street... moving slowly... ahead...
I'm still alive
I'm still breathing... haven't taken a breath...
I'm still...
Yep, that's it...
I'm still.

Gone To Sleep

New favorite song!  I feel like maybe Moby and Kelli Scarr were channeling my thoughts when they wrote this song together.  This one will be a favorite forever with me!  Every word conveys my feelings at this time in my life, now, seven months after Lisa, my "sun" has gone my "light", has "gone to sleep".

Follow this link and watch the second or third video first - after you see the goofy photograph of the guy with a cloud in place of his head.  You can follow along with the lyrics below too:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126476733

Thin light - escape
We've run fast and we wait
All the time we waste
All the days replaced


Somewhere there's a Sunday in the Fall
Where everything you love is safe and warm
Where everything was right
But I'm never going home... (2x)


Thin light is long
The life I knew is gone
It's nothing that I've ever seen
Darker than it's ever been


Somewhere there's a Sunday in the Fall
Where everything you love is safe and warm
Where everything was right
But I'm never going home...
-repeat

But I'm never going home...


All the time we wait
All the time we waste

All the days replaced (2x)


Somewhere there's a Sunday in the Fall
Where everything you love is safe and warm
Where everything was right
But I'm never going home...
-repeat

The sun is down
The lights have gone to sleep
I never knew the dark would be so deep
Somewhere you are warm

But I'm never going home..

Now watch the first video which tells about the creation and inspiration for the song.  Then read again my comments below.
...  ...  ...
I feel like the guy in the photograph that inspired the song too!  My head is a storm cloud of anger, confusion, you name it...  The briefcase to me represents the rest of me, mostly my work.  The trench coat and gloves are keeping my emotions, thoughts, feelings inside while at the same time preventing the outside world from intruding...  keeping more hurt from entering.  Fall in the foreground and middle-ground forest represents the end of a chapter in my life, but I see Spring in the background - through the trees.

I didn't recognize any of this at first listen and first glance!  The first time I listened to the song, I really liked the music, but I thought the lead vocalist's voice was too raw and uneven.  Too pitchy if that makes sense.  Then I really listened to the words and found the connection I could make to them.

I had similar feelings for the photograph.  I had seen the photograph many years ago and I thought it looked contrived and silly.  The cloud looks too obviously "Photoshopped" in.  And again I found more meaning in it's content as I looked at it again.  I didn't find hardly any of the meaning until I was simultaneously looking at the photograph and typing my thoughts about it in the paragraph above.

Don't get me wrong...

Don't get me wrong...  I'm not suicidal.

But...

I want Freedom From This Pain.
I want to be able to Live The Dreams We Had with Lisa By My Side.
I want Clarity of Thought.
I want Peace of Mind.
I want Limitless Love.
I want Connection.
I want Reunion.
I want More, Brighter Light.
I want Rest.
I want What I Had.
I want My Love-Space Refilled.
I want Togetherness.
I want Unity.
I want Pure Joy.
I want To Move On, Now.
I want To Release The Guilt.

But...

I've got Jayson - Lover, Protector, Old Soul, The Most Awesome Boy On Earth!, Mommy's Boy (not Mama's boy), and Confused.
I've got Taysha - Peacemaker, Comedienne, A Beauty, Intuitive, and Hiding From Her Feelings.
I've got Maya - Beautiful, Daddy's Girl, Warm, Honest, Observer, and Angry
I've got Many Incredible Families Supporting me, Showing Their Love, Trying to Understand.
I've got Many Incredible Friends Showing Their Love, Supporting me, Trying to Understand.
I've got Love All Around Me.
I've got Beautiful Memories Of Being Loved.
I've got More Quality Love Than Many People Have.

But...

I want Everything I Can't Have!

But...

I've got Everything I Truly Need!

But...

Jealousy

Would you believe

I'm jealous because you've died

I'm left here to grieve

While you've got New Life...

You’re reunited

With loves that have gone before

I’m left on earth

Wishing I were with you, and them, once more…

Family and friends show me love

Like they never have before

But all of their love multiplied

Will never take the place of yours...

I was who I was

Mostly because of you

Now that you're gone

I've become totally, unglued...

You've been completed

You've ironed out your creases

And I've become the puzzle

That's fallen into pieces...

I'm left alive

So broken and angry

You've become All Life

So complete, whole and free…

You are perfection

I'm left in doubt

I feel confused

Can't find my way out...

I can't see you at all

No never, no more

While you can see right through me

Like I'm an open door...

You are now Love

Never again will you fear

I'm afraid of everything

Now that you are not here...

You watch me knowing

That this is the best for me

And all that I can do here is think of you

Endlessly...

I’m so happy for you

That you’re finally at peace

But now I’m uncertain

What it is I should do with me

Would you believe

I'm jealous because you've died

I'm left here to grieve

While you've got New Life...

Spring Break

It's been a long time since I've written, I know.   I'm not sure why.   I'm not sure of anything at all yet to be honest.  I'm still feeling de-motivated and probably somewhat depressed.   I think often of Lisa of course, but I must still be mostly numb.   I haven't cried in a long time (until now).   I wonder if I've mourned enough and yet I know that I'll never know what is enough.   Parents in my group at Fernside are in my same state (or something very similar) after a year and a half has passed since their loss.   And someone even said that the second year can be worse.  I don't want to be here that long from now.   I haven't enjoyed anything I've done in the past six months.   I still spend the majority of my time in bed when my kids are not at home, but when they are here, we spend that time together, sometimes going out to run errands, sometimes watching movies and a lot of time doing homework with Jayson.   I feel guilty that I'm not getting much done around the house, but it's really pretty clean.   We're all staying well fed (I wonder if Jayson isn't gaining too much weight) and we're well groomed, and the kids seem happy at many times throughout the day.   I even washed and folded a bunch of laundry the week before last.  Right now, the lawn could definitely be mowed though... maybe tomorrow.

We spent all of last week in Myrtle Beach, SC.  We stayed at a very nice resort in a two bedroom condo.  All five of us flew down there a little over two years ago and we bought this vacation at that time, so we didn't have to pay anything for the room (or breakfast) for the whole week.  I drove the whole way this time because it was just me and the kids.  On the way there we stopped about an hour out of MB on Friday night and finished the drive on Saturday, but on the way back, we drove the whole way without stopping overnight.  The kids did great on the drives, and it turned out easier for me too than I had originally thought.  While there, we mostly visited the same places we visited the first time through because to be honest, there wasn't anything new there that we wanted to do, and at the same time, there was nothing there that we hadn't done on the last visit either.   The kids wanted to swim in the indoor pool just about the whole time, and other than the beach a number of times, we went to Brookgreen Gardens (a sculpture garden with a mini zoo) and Ripley's Aquarium.  We went to Huntington Beach State Park, Georgetown, and Garden City Beach also, and were able to play 18 holes of mini-golf too.  My favorite part was when we decided to fly kites on the beach.   While we were there, we went into a few stores and saw hermit crabs for sale.  The kids wanted one from the very first time they saw them, but we looked around and found them cheap at one store for $1 each.  We ended up buying and bringing home seven new hermit crabs!  Dad bought one for himself and the kids each bought two for themselves.  Overall, it was a good vacation, we had a bunch of chances to be a family together and talk about stuff that we needed to talk about.

As soon as we got back from MB, I went back to work.  Monday was a day of training for the upcoming First Communion and Prom photography season.  I thought it would be more uncomfortable than it was because I knew the trainers were people that I had given the same training to for three or four years before.  But telling myself that I didn't want or need to be the one doing all of the prep, and knowing that I wouldn't have to be the one holding people accountable anymore was a big help.

I guess things are turning out OK overall, but there is still too much sadness in the house and I'm confused about why the kids do not show any significant difference over the span of the past six months.  I might be expecting too much, but unless I bring up Lisa in conversation it seems like she would not be mentioned at all.  Keep the four of us in your thoughts and prayers, we still need it!

I received this today from one of my absolute favorite cousins.   I believe that this does actually happen before each of us are born!   Thanks CS!

If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you.

If God had told me, "this soul will one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "our time spent together here on earth could be short", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul may one day make me witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "all that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you...

Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you...


Author Unknown

Busy? Maybe...

I know... it's been a while since the last post.   I've been busy...?   Can I use that for an excuse?   Not really.

I hosted a party at the house on Wednesday for Jayson's birthday.   Lisa's mom, dad and sister were there and we had pizza and fried chicken with a few sides.   Lisa's sister brought just about everything (THANKS A TON) and also her two foster twins too!   Her twins are the same age as mine and they get along famously!  So well, that none of the four wanted to split up at the end of the night.   We're thinking a sleepover during one of the upcoming weekends would be a good idea!

Jayson had a really great birthday, at least that's what he told everyone.   It was hard for me to get any gift ideas from him, even after visiting two toy stores.   We figured some things out and then just the day before his birthday (two days after I finished shopping) he comes up with three or four new ideas for things he'd like to have.   Lucky for me, I had already gotten him a couple of those items!   I was proud of myself to say the least!

On Sunday Jayson "crossed over" from cub scouts to boy scouts and received his Arrow of Light Award.   It was a nice ceremony with a banquet and lots of other awards given out.   Jayson was able to carry the American Flag in the beginning of the ceremony and did an excellent job; if I can say so myself.   He sat with a friend for a little while, but made his way back to our table after not too long.   I was glad to have him back at our table with us.   He's an excellent boy, and I'm sure he'll become an even better man.

During the banquet Lisa was mentioned because she had been a den leader's assistant for a couple of years.   The Pack Leader had many nice words to say about her and the pack donated a large amount of money to the childrens' education fund too.   It was an emotional moment for me and I noticed, for a few other adults around the room.  Jayson was right on top of things as usual and made sure that he asked me more than once if I was doing OK!

Already today was his first Troop meeting (no longer called a pack) and Jayson was assigned to his Patrol (no longer called a den).   His patrol is called the Dynamite Patrol, and considering that the other two patrols were named Penguin and Duct Tape, we were glad he got that assignment over the others.   There will be an outing next weekend already which will include two over-nights near the Royal Gorge (is that spelled right?).   Jayson was excited to hear about it since it will include climbing instruction and he committed to go even though he knew I wouldn't be there and also before he was sure that his best friend from the Troop was going.   I was proud of him because I thought for sure he wouldn't be willing to go unless at least one of us was there.   So already, we're pretty well dug into scouts again for what seems like a couple of years.

Maya recently brought home a flier for a flag football team that she wants to cheer for, but it was not with an Upward team.   Since Upward was so great to us last year, I told her that I'm going to find out if they will have a team that she can join instead.   She has continued to be very angry at certain times around the house.  Last week, she even displayed her fury in front of one of her friends.   I told her that I was thinking of sending her to a doctor so that she can talk it out and she responded with an outraged, "Go right ahead, see if I care".   So I did...  The next morning I made a call to the doctor that worked with Jayson for his ADD and Verbal Processing Delay.   She is a super nice woman and worked great with him so I am hoping they will get along with each other and Dr. P will be able to help Maya and I through this stage.   Of course when Maya found out about the doctor, she went into another one of her fits of fury!

Taysha seems to be continuing on her path of making life for all of us fun!   She always throws in little quips here and there that take everyone by surprise and leave them laughing.   She then pretends that it was all an innocent joke and curls her hands in front of her mouth like a bunny rabbit feigning embarrassment.   She is enjoying her time playing now and then with Jayson and also now and then with Maya.   She's a great friend and sister to both of them and knows better than I about how to stay out of their disagreements.

As for me, I e-mailed my boss at Lifetouch and told her of my interest in returning to work.   I had heard through the grape vine that she wasn't sure that I would ever come back, so it may be a surprise to her.   I'm not wanting to jump back in full time right away, but will take it a little slower instead.   She will not have full time hours available for me at this time of year anyway.   I feel like I need to regain all of the confidence I one had in myself at work.   I'm not even sure of where it all went.

Wish me luck...

A Fernside Day Today

It's been three weeks since I began my leave from work.   I do feel a bunch better about things, as far as organization at home, and I'm even beginning to have a few more gray days than dark days.   It's been easier to get off of the couch and do things around the house too.

We went to Fernside today, and it really was good.   I was beginning to wonder when it was going to begin doing some good for me.   The kids absolutely love it, but until today, I haven't been feeling as if it was much of a help for me personally.   Today we brought more adults into our group of parents grieving the loss of their spouses.   Our number is up to about 12 adults which seemed to be a better number (at least for me).  Only three of us are men.   There was more conversation where I could find some common ground with the others.  One of the adults had lost their spouse only three weeks ago!   I was amazed that they had come to Fernside so soon after... 

The first, second and third grade group put on a puppet show.   Taysha and Maya each got to perform for the group.  Taysha's puppet was a monkey and Maya's was a Parrot.  The story was about how different people handle a loss in different ways.  There were six or seven different kinds of  creatures that were all friends, and unfortunately, the elephant that protected all of them suddenly died.  Each animal (puppet character) grieved the loss in different ways.  One had a lot of questions they wanted to ask, another tried to go out and have fun so that they could forget about the loss, a third just wanted to be alone, and yet another was feeling guilty about the loss, as if it were possibly their fault.  The kids did a really good job.  I was able to take the opportunity with the kids on the way home to ask them about which character they thought they might have been since... Jayson said that he thought he was like the monkey and I asked why.  I asked him how the monkey handled it's grief and he confessed that he really couldn't remember.  I asked them all if they maybe felt guilty about mommy's death and all three said no.   I asked if they felt like they just wanted to have fun so that they could forget about mom's death and both Taysha and Jayson said that they did want to just have fun and forget.  I know that Taysha was absolutely right about her observation.  It seemed like immediately after Lisa's death that Taysha started to joke around and tickle us much more often.  It was as if she was in a shell before and that the shell was opened as soon as Lisa died.  Until today I was really confused about her reaction, because I hadn't realized that the fun, teasing was helping her to get the death off of her mind.   I could only figure that Lisa had maybe somehow kept Taysha from freeing herself to have fun, but I also knew for sure that this could not have been possible.  Lisa was one of the best mothers, moms and mommies that I have ever known.

As far as how I think Jayson has reacted to Lisa's death, I constantly see that Jayson just wants to protect me from grieving.  Every time I sniffle, or any time that there is an emotional situation, Jayson is right there to ask me if I'm alright.  I'm still not sure if he is trying to protect me from my grief, or if he is protecting himself from losing me too.  I asked all three of them tonight if they ever felt afraid that I might die too and all three were very quick to discount that, so Jayson may not recognize what he's doing, or he maybe just doesn't want me to cry. 

Maya is a tough nut to figure out.  I really think she is mad; upset that she doesn't have her mom any more.  As I've mentioned before, she has been arguing much more often with Jayson, and has really been giving me the "Maya-tude".  On many occasions she has talked back (sometimes yelled back) at me when I ask her to help around the house, or to clean her room.  She reacts more emotionally to many situations than she needs to, but there has always been some of that in her (Maya-tude started long before Lisa died), and tears come more often and more quickly.  Many times when we begin a conversation about her mother, Maya will say that she doesn't want to talk about it.  She will hold her ears pretending that she is not listening and will never add to the conversation.  This obviously makes it difficult for me to figure out what she's thinking.  I can only hope that Fernside is helping her to get some of the confusion out.

Recent Thoughts

I went grocery shopping today, and I'm pretty proud of the fact that I saved $130.00 on $203.00 worth of purchases.   This is not the first time shopping since Lisa's death, but the first time that I used coupons!   Always before, I thought that the coupons were going to be too much trouble to keep track of and that it just wasn't going to be worth the hassle.   Live and learn...    The thing that got me to use coupons was a booklet that Kroger sent out that had a bunch of coupons that I thought I could use, also they sent an envelope full of coupons that I knew I would definitely use.   The envelope was obviously custom printed for my recent shopping habits.   Thanks Kroger, great idea, it worked for me!


The kids had a three day week last week, due to snow, and this week they've had Monday and Tuesday off too.   I'm not sure if they'll go back to school tomorrow because of the snow again, but I'm hoping that they will!   I have enjoyed the time that we've had together, but, well... I'm sure you stay at home moms and dads know what I'm thinking.   I have things on my To Do list that aren't getting done and I'd like some time to do them; without kids.

We still mention Lisa daily and the kids seem to be very much the same as they've been since...   They seem mostly unaffected even through Thanksgiving, Christmas and Lisa's Birthday without her.  Jayson's birthday is coming up on March the 3rd and I'm anxious to see how that goes too.   I'm constantly wondering if they are going through what they need in their individual grief process because there has been no real obvious or significant sign that they've been affected by this huge change in their lives.

Leave, Conference, Playroom

So far... So good...

My leave is progressing well so far.  I've gotten a few things done.  More importantly, the kids seem to be acting better.  Jayson and Maya were having quite a lot of arguments throughout each day and those have actually seemed to dissipate somewhat.  They were really trying to make each others' lives difficult, just picking on each other and  always disagreeing with what the other had to say.  Lucky me; I was given the opportunity on quite a few occasions over the past couple of weeks to practice my disciplinary skills. Since this was not something that I did very often while Lisa was alive, I've had very little practice, but I think Lisa schooled me well on this "raising kids" thing and I might actually have it somewhat figured out!  Wishful thinking...

My sister and I went to a parent/teacher conference for Jayson last Thursday and we heard from one teacher that Jayson had shown a new side of himself this past week.  She said that he was waving at her in the hallways, saying "hi" and smiling a lot more often than he has in a while.  She said she only had just begun to see this manifest itself in the past week.  She didn't have any idea up until that time that I had begun my leave earlier that same week.  I'm pretty sure this is another positive result of my decision to take time away from work.

I've gotten a ton of help over the past three weeks in putting together an area in the basement for the kids to play.  My sisters and parents have done a bunch to clean and organize everything in the basement, sort the toys upstairs into bins to bring downstairs, put up new shelves to store the bins on, and lay carpet on the floor so that they can play without it feeling cold.  We're not done yet!  We've completed the girls' room, but Jayson's is yet to be started.  All three kids really seem to love it!  Lisa and I did this years ago, but it got away from us pretty soon after.  This time I'm determined to keep on each of them and especially their friends to keep it clean!  It will really be nice to have all of the toys out of the kid's rooms and downstairs so that the rooms stay straightened!  I recommend to everyone that they get all of the toys out of the bedrooms and into a single, unseen location in the house, it has made a big difference here already!

Until next time, take care of yourself and each other...

J