1:40am, I'm sick and tired - literally. Yet I feel a need to have a discussion with you.
I'm missing you, I'm confused. I don't see the reason, the justification, the "good". I don't think I ever will. I miss you. The kids do too. Jayson's got a good friend overnight, Taysha's in her bed, asleep and Maya's here in my bed with me, also asleep. We mentioned you again today. Did you notice? Do you notice me- the kids? Where are you? I say, and I believe that you're always here with me, but it's so difficult. Difficult to believe, difficult to "be", and difficult to "live". "Here in spirit" sucks! It's not enough - it's not working for me! I'm not giving up, don't worry, just sayin', it's difficult.
Christmas is here again. The tree is up - what a pain that is every year... now... since you've been gone. God this sucks without you! You're so alive and beautiful in my dreams - then I wake up. I hate waking up sometimes. So easy to stay in bed when I'm only working 20 or so hours each week. So easy to sleep hoping to dream of you again.
Most days it seems like forever ago, that horrible morning. That horrible mourning. I've been so busy without you. I miss having you as the one who understood everything about me. You knew me like no one else. You know the persons and the personalities I deal with - at work - my friends. I could talk to you and get answers that made sense. Adult conversations with someone who knows, someone who's on my side are nonexistent now. I miss that - I miss you. I miss looking into your eyes and seeing your love for me there. Two years and two months too long. It's been too long. So much farther yet to go... so far to go. Thank God for family, yours and mine. Thank God for friends, yours and mine.
Is there a reason for this? Is something good supposed to come of this? I don't get it. It's just pain is all it is. Two years and two months and so far yet to go. I feel so alone, alone together with our three beautiful children.
2:40am, I'm sick and tired - literally. I'm going to sleep now. Maybe I'll dream of you, maybe not. I don't know anymore which I'd prefer...
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
"First Thoughts" by Lisa Brune
This was written by Lisa, she dated it 9/11-9/12 -- approximately one month before she died.
We meet as strangers but once, each carrying our own mystery within us. We cannot say who you are. We may never know you completely. But we trust that you are a person in your own right, a Child of God possessed of a beauty and value that are the richest treasures of the universe. So we make this promise to you: We will impose no identities upon you, but we will invite you to become yourself without shame or fear. We will hold open a space for you in the world and allow your right to fill it with authentic passion and purpose. For as long as your search takes, you have our loyalty.
Namaste
We meet as strangers but once, each carrying our own mystery within us. We cannot say who you are. We may never know you completely. But we trust that you are a person in your own right, a Child of God possessed of a beauty and value that are the richest treasures of the universe. So we make this promise to you: We will impose no identities upon you, but we will invite you to become yourself without shame or fear. We will hold open a space for you in the world and allow your right to fill it with authentic passion and purpose. For as long as your search takes, you have our loyalty.
Namaste
Sunday, July 31, 2011
From "Men's Health" - Lessons in Fatherhood
http://www.menshealth.com/best-life/get-out-my-room?cm_mmc=Yahoo_Blog-_-Health-_-9_Strange_But_True_Health_Tips-_-Get_Out_Of_My_Room
Father, oh father, why are you so mad?
I’m just a little kid—I’m not trying to be bad
Yet every night, you cuss under your breath
It’s almost as if you think that I’m deaf
Yes, I get it, your life has so changed
But that’s no reason to start acting deranged
1 out of 3 kids doesn't live with a dad
Now I know why—some fathers are pathetic and sad
I know you welcomed me into your life
After carefree coitus with your career-minded wife
Now you're both exhausted and seem only to argue
Is it my fault? Really, what should I do?
Here’s an idea: Relax and have a beer
And let me solve our little problem by being the man here
Did you know that I’ll fall asleep 40 percent faster
If you create a bedtime routine that I can master?
Didn’t think so, and there’s another benefit I’ll cite
With a routine, I’ll sleep an extra hour each night
And if I shut my eyes nightly for 10 hours of peace
Research shows I’m much less likely to wind up obese
Experts also say you should read to me 30 minutes a pop
Yet after just one little book you can't wait to stop
If it bores you that much, I’ll give you a tip
Just make it up, the words you can skip
This all boosts my vocabulary and word knowledge
Which someday may help me score a scholarship to college
Now let’s talk about when I want to color and swing
Why is it you can’t stop all that goddamned texting?
The brainiacs say if you pay attention to me
I’m likely to be less violent when I hit puberty
Yet you don’t quite grasp the concept of play, I infer
Maybe I should tell Mom what’s on your web browser
If you want me to stop crying, then let’s lose the ’tude
And go outside—studies say exercise improves my mood
Please straighten up, Dad, and get your head out of your ass
My young and innocent years just aren’t going to last
I can’t take care of myself, so I must look to you
Now man up and sack up—you know what to do
Give me a kiss and bid me “Good night!”
And think about how you can make this thing right
’Cuz if forever you’re going to be chock-full of gloom
You’d might as well just get the f**k out of my room
Words by Eric Adams, Steve Belanger, Adam Campbell, and Bill Phillips
My thanks to Lisa Newburn for her posting on Facebook!
Father, oh father, why are you so mad?
I’m just a little kid—I’m not trying to be bad
Yet every night, you cuss under your breath
It’s almost as if you think that I’m deaf
Yes, I get it, your life has so changed
But that’s no reason to start acting deranged
1 out of 3 kids doesn't live with a dad
Now I know why—some fathers are pathetic and sad
I know you welcomed me into your life
After carefree coitus with your career-minded wife
Now you're both exhausted and seem only to argue
Is it my fault? Really, what should I do?
Here’s an idea: Relax and have a beer
And let me solve our little problem by being the man here
Did you know that I’ll fall asleep 40 percent faster
If you create a bedtime routine that I can master?
Didn’t think so, and there’s another benefit I’ll cite
With a routine, I’ll sleep an extra hour each night
And if I shut my eyes nightly for 10 hours of peace
Research shows I’m much less likely to wind up obese
Experts also say you should read to me 30 minutes a pop
Yet after just one little book you can't wait to stop
If it bores you that much, I’ll give you a tip
Just make it up, the words you can skip
This all boosts my vocabulary and word knowledge
Which someday may help me score a scholarship to college
Now let’s talk about when I want to color and swing
Why is it you can’t stop all that goddamned texting?
The brainiacs say if you pay attention to me
I’m likely to be less violent when I hit puberty
Yet you don’t quite grasp the concept of play, I infer
Maybe I should tell Mom what’s on your web browser
If you want me to stop crying, then let’s lose the ’tude
And go outside—studies say exercise improves my mood
Please straighten up, Dad, and get your head out of your ass
My young and innocent years just aren’t going to last
I can’t take care of myself, so I must look to you
Now man up and sack up—you know what to do
Give me a kiss and bid me “Good night!”
And think about how you can make this thing right
’Cuz if forever you’re going to be chock-full of gloom
You’d might as well just get the f**k out of my room
Words by Eric Adams, Steve Belanger, Adam Campbell, and Bill Phillips
My thanks to Lisa Newburn for her posting on Facebook!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Untitled
Above it all for a while
Untouchable and safe
We move together in elements
That typify this mood
No one can see us
Not that we care
I don't explain anything
No need to share
Our journey has just begun
-Lisa (Small) Brune -1996
Untouchable and safe
We move together in elements
That typify this mood
No one can see us
Not that we care
I don't explain anything
No need to share
Our journey has just begun
-Lisa (Small) Brune -1996
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The Traveler By James Dillet Freeman
She has put on invisibility.
Dear Lord, I cannot see—
But this I know, although the road
ascends
And passes from my sight,
That there will be no night;
That You will take her gently by the
hand
And lead her on
Along the road of life that never ends,
And she will find it is not death but
dawn.
I do not doubt that You are there as
here,
And You will hold her dear.
Our life did not begin with birth,
It is not of the earth;
And this that we call death, it is no
more
Than the opening and closing of a
door—
And in Your house how many rooms
must be
Beyond this one where we rest
momently.
Dear Lord, I thank You for the faith
that frees,
The love that knows it cannot lose its
own;
The love that, looking through the
shadows, sees
That You and she and I are ever one!
Dear Lord, I cannot see—
But this I know, although the road
ascends
And passes from my sight,
That there will be no night;
That You will take her gently by the
hand
And lead her on
Along the road of life that never ends,
And she will find it is not death but
dawn.
I do not doubt that You are there as
here,
And You will hold her dear.
Our life did not begin with birth,
It is not of the earth;
And this that we call death, it is no
more
Than the opening and closing of a
door—
And in Your house how many rooms
must be
Beyond this one where we rest
momently.
Dear Lord, I thank You for the faith
that frees,
The love that knows it cannot lose its
own;
The love that, looking through the
shadows, sees
That You and she and I are ever one!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
This I Believe - by: Jayson R. Brune
This I believe.
I believe that life isn't always fair, but you always have to keep moving forward. Life is not always happy or sad. It is not always good or always evil. The world is a happy and sad place. Quite like the story I am about to tell right now.
It was a cool, crisp morning around 5:00am and out of nowhere I heard a strange sound. I think it was the scariest noise ever. I called from my bed, "Dad! What's that noise?" He replied, "It's just your mom snoring." I shouted, "Okay," down the hall and tried to fall back asleep.
Then the noise got louder and no longer sounded like her usual snoring. My mom was unresponsive so my dad, in a panicky voice, yelled, "Call 911!" I rushed to the phone. I was so nervous and scared I could hardly hear the operator on the the other end. I ran to my dad and handed him the phone.
About four or five minutes later a fire truck and an ambulance arrived at our house. The men actually fit a stretcher in the door of my house. There was a lot of commotion and I did not really understand what was going on. Then some of my neighbors came over and one of them took my sisters and I over to her house. This was a school morning and it happened at 5:00am.
We came back home around 7:00am and everyone was there - aunts, uncles, friends and neighbors. Everyone was crying and when I saw them, I started crying too. We did not go to school that day. My mom died at the hospital.
I felt like life was not fair that day. My mom had died and my siblings and I always believed that she would live until she was old. It was the saddest day ever. While I am still grieving the death of my mother, I have learned that not everyone lives until they are old. For some reason, whether it is disease, an accident or some other event, some people are taken from us before we are ready. I believe that life is not always fair, but you always must keep moving forward.
This I believe.
I believe that life isn't always fair, but you always have to keep moving forward. Life is not always happy or sad. It is not always good or always evil. The world is a happy and sad place. Quite like the story I am about to tell right now.
It was a cool, crisp morning around 5:00am and out of nowhere I heard a strange sound. I think it was the scariest noise ever. I called from my bed, "Dad! What's that noise?" He replied, "It's just your mom snoring." I shouted, "Okay," down the hall and tried to fall back asleep.
Then the noise got louder and no longer sounded like her usual snoring. My mom was unresponsive so my dad, in a panicky voice, yelled, "Call 911!" I rushed to the phone. I was so nervous and scared I could hardly hear the operator on the the other end. I ran to my dad and handed him the phone.
About four or five minutes later a fire truck and an ambulance arrived at our house. The men actually fit a stretcher in the door of my house. There was a lot of commotion and I did not really understand what was going on. Then some of my neighbors came over and one of them took my sisters and I over to her house. This was a school morning and it happened at 5:00am.
We came back home around 7:00am and everyone was there - aunts, uncles, friends and neighbors. Everyone was crying and when I saw them, I started crying too. We did not go to school that day. My mom died at the hospital.
I felt like life was not fair that day. My mom had died and my siblings and I always believed that she would live until she was old. It was the saddest day ever. While I am still grieving the death of my mother, I have learned that not everyone lives until they are old. For some reason, whether it is disease, an accident or some other event, some people are taken from us before we are ready. I believe that life is not always fair, but you always must keep moving forward.
This I believe.
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