It's been three weeks since I began my leave from work. I do feel a bunch better about things, as far as organization at home, and I'm even beginning to have a few more gray days than dark days. It's been easier to get off of the couch and do things around the house too.
We went to Fernside today, and it really was good. I was beginning to wonder when it was going to begin doing some good for me. The kids absolutely love it, but until today, I haven't been feeling as if it was much of a help for me personally. Today we brought more adults into our group of parents grieving the loss of their spouses. Our number is up to about 12 adults which seemed to be a better number (at least for me). Only three of us are men. There was more conversation where I could find some common ground with the others. One of the adults had lost their spouse only three weeks ago! I was amazed that they had come to Fernside so soon after...
The first, second and third grade group put on a puppet show. Taysha and Maya each got to perform for the group. Taysha's puppet was a monkey and Maya's was a Parrot. The story was about how different people handle a loss in different ways. There were six or seven different kinds of creatures that were all friends, and unfortunately, the elephant that protected all of them suddenly died. Each animal (puppet character) grieved the loss in different ways. One had a lot of questions they wanted to ask, another tried to go out and have fun so that they could forget about the loss, a third just wanted to be alone, and yet another was feeling guilty about the loss, as if it were possibly their fault. The kids did a really good job. I was able to take the opportunity with the kids on the way home to ask them about which character they thought they might have been since... Jayson said that he thought he was like the monkey and I asked why. I asked him how the monkey handled it's grief and he confessed that he really couldn't remember. I asked them all if they maybe felt guilty about mommy's death and all three said no. I asked if they felt like they just wanted to have fun so that they could forget about mom's death and both Taysha and Jayson said that they did want to just have fun and forget. I know that Taysha was absolutely right about her observation. It seemed like immediately after Lisa's death that Taysha started to joke around and tickle us much more often. It was as if she was in a shell before and that the shell was opened as soon as Lisa died. Until today I was really confused about her reaction, because I hadn't realized that the fun, teasing was helping her to get the death off of her mind. I could only figure that Lisa had maybe somehow kept Taysha from freeing herself to have fun, but I also knew for sure that this could not have been possible. Lisa was one of the best mothers, moms and mommies that I have ever known.
As far as how I think Jayson has reacted to Lisa's death, I constantly see that Jayson just wants to protect me from grieving. Every time I sniffle, or any time that there is an emotional situation, Jayson is right there to ask me if I'm alright. I'm still not sure if he is trying to protect me from my grief, or if he is protecting himself from losing me too. I asked all three of them tonight if they ever felt afraid that I might die too and all three were very quick to discount that, so Jayson may not recognize what he's doing, or he maybe just doesn't want me to cry.
Maya is a tough nut to figure out. I really think she is mad; upset that she doesn't have her mom any more. As I've mentioned before, she has been arguing much more often with Jayson, and has really been giving me the "Maya-tude". On many occasions she has talked back (sometimes yelled back) at me when I ask her to help around the house, or to clean her room. She reacts more emotionally to many situations than she needs to, but there has always been some of that in her (Maya-tude started long before Lisa died), and tears come more often and more quickly. Many times when we begin a conversation about her mother, Maya will say that she doesn't want to talk about it. She will hold her ears pretending that she is not listening and will never add to the conversation. This obviously makes it difficult for me to figure out what she's thinking. I can only hope that Fernside is helping her to get some of the confusion out.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Recent Thoughts
I went grocery shopping today, and I'm pretty proud of the fact that I saved $130.00 on $203.00 worth of purchases. This is not the first time shopping since Lisa's death, but the first time that I used coupons! Always before, I thought that the coupons were going to be too much trouble to keep track of and that it just wasn't going to be worth the hassle. Live and learn... The thing that got me to use coupons was a booklet that Kroger sent out that had a bunch of coupons that I thought I could use, also they sent an envelope full of coupons that I knew I would definitely use. The envelope was obviously custom printed for my recent shopping habits. Thanks Kroger, great idea, it worked for me!
The kids had a three day week last week, due to snow, and this week they've had Monday and Tuesday off too. I'm not sure if they'll go back to school tomorrow because of the snow again, but I'm hoping that they will! I have enjoyed the time that we've had together, but, well... I'm sure you stay at home moms and dads know what I'm thinking. I have things on my To Do list that aren't getting done and I'd like some time to do them; without kids.
We still mention Lisa daily and the kids seem to be very much the same as they've been since... They seem mostly unaffected even through Thanksgiving, Christmas and Lisa's Birthday without her. Jayson's birthday is coming up on March the 3rd and I'm anxious to see how that goes too. I'm constantly wondering if they are going through what they need in their individual grief process because there has been no real obvious or significant sign that they've been affected by this huge change in their lives.
The kids had a three day week last week, due to snow, and this week they've had Monday and Tuesday off too. I'm not sure if they'll go back to school tomorrow because of the snow again, but I'm hoping that they will! I have enjoyed the time that we've had together, but, well... I'm sure you stay at home moms and dads know what I'm thinking. I have things on my To Do list that aren't getting done and I'd like some time to do them; without kids.
We still mention Lisa daily and the kids seem to be very much the same as they've been since... They seem mostly unaffected even through Thanksgiving, Christmas and Lisa's Birthday without her. Jayson's birthday is coming up on March the 3rd and I'm anxious to see how that goes too. I'm constantly wondering if they are going through what they need in their individual grief process because there has been no real obvious or significant sign that they've been affected by this huge change in their lives.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Leave, Conference, Playroom
So far... So good...
My leave is progressing well so far. I've gotten a few things done. More importantly, the kids seem to be acting better. Jayson and Maya were having quite a lot of arguments throughout each day and those have actually seemed to dissipate somewhat. They were really trying to make each others' lives difficult, just picking on each other and always disagreeing with what the other had to say. Lucky me; I was given the opportunity on quite a few occasions over the past couple of weeks to practice my disciplinary skills. Since this was not something that I did very often while Lisa was alive, I've had very little practice, but I think Lisa schooled me well on this "raising kids" thing and I might actually have it somewhat figured out! Wishful thinking...
My sister and I went to a parent/teacher conference for Jayson last Thursday and we heard from one teacher that Jayson had shown a new side of himself this past week. She said that he was waving at her in the hallways, saying "hi" and smiling a lot more often than he has in a while. She said she only had just begun to see this manifest itself in the past week. She didn't have any idea up until that time that I had begun my leave earlier that same week. I'm pretty sure this is another positive result of my decision to take time away from work.
I've gotten a ton of help over the past three weeks in putting together an area in the basement for the kids to play. My sisters and parents have done a bunch to clean and organize everything in the basement, sort the toys upstairs into bins to bring downstairs, put up new shelves to store the bins on, and lay carpet on the floor so that they can play without it feeling cold. We're not done yet! We've completed the girls' room, but Jayson's is yet to be started. All three kids really seem to love it! Lisa and I did this years ago, but it got away from us pretty soon after. This time I'm determined to keep on each of them and especially their friends to keep it clean! It will really be nice to have all of the toys out of the kid's rooms and downstairs so that the rooms stay straightened! I recommend to everyone that they get all of the toys out of the bedrooms and into a single, unseen location in the house, it has made a big difference here already!
Until next time, take care of yourself and each other...
J
My leave is progressing well so far. I've gotten a few things done. More importantly, the kids seem to be acting better. Jayson and Maya were having quite a lot of arguments throughout each day and those have actually seemed to dissipate somewhat. They were really trying to make each others' lives difficult, just picking on each other and always disagreeing with what the other had to say. Lucky me; I was given the opportunity on quite a few occasions over the past couple of weeks to practice my disciplinary skills. Since this was not something that I did very often while Lisa was alive, I've had very little practice, but I think Lisa schooled me well on this "raising kids" thing and I might actually have it somewhat figured out! Wishful thinking...
My sister and I went to a parent/teacher conference for Jayson last Thursday and we heard from one teacher that Jayson had shown a new side of himself this past week. She said that he was waving at her in the hallways, saying "hi" and smiling a lot more often than he has in a while. She said she only had just begun to see this manifest itself in the past week. She didn't have any idea up until that time that I had begun my leave earlier that same week. I'm pretty sure this is another positive result of my decision to take time away from work.
I've gotten a ton of help over the past three weeks in putting together an area in the basement for the kids to play. My sisters and parents have done a bunch to clean and organize everything in the basement, sort the toys upstairs into bins to bring downstairs, put up new shelves to store the bins on, and lay carpet on the floor so that they can play without it feeling cold. We're not done yet! We've completed the girls' room, but Jayson's is yet to be started. All three kids really seem to love it! Lisa and I did this years ago, but it got away from us pretty soon after. This time I'm determined to keep on each of them and especially their friends to keep it clean! It will really be nice to have all of the toys out of the kid's rooms and downstairs so that the rooms stay straightened! I recommend to everyone that they get all of the toys out of the bedrooms and into a single, unseen location in the house, it has made a big difference here already!
Until next time, take care of yourself and each other...
J
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Leave Of Absence
A week ago today, I met with my boss and decided that I would take a leave of absence from work and I also decided to step down from my management position at Lifetouch. I'm going back to an hourly wage, which will include taking reduced hours at some times of the year and potential lay-offs at other times too. I made the decision because I felt that I needed to "focus" more of my time on the kids, and less of it at work; away from the kids. I want to take the time to figure out how I'm going to structure my days so that I can maximize the benefit I can get out of each day and begin to depend less on the outside help that I'm receiving from family.
The last three weeks have become more difficult than any since Lisa's death. Everything has seemed to come crashing down on me and every task has become more difficult to complete (and sometimes nearly impossible to start). I recently added to the medicine that I have been taking since my depression started 7 or 8 years ago, but it doesn't seem to have made a difference yet. The medication that we added is supposed to give me a little more motivation and help to sharpen my thinking processes at the same time. I'm really hoping that it will kick in soon!
This Sunday and for the two following Sundays I will be photographing the members of my church for an electronic database that allows for the photographs to be included with the members' information. I'm really looking forward to meeting more members of the church by volunteering in this way. Everyone at New Thought Unity has been spectacular so I'm excited that I can do something to give back. After 20 years of photographing portraits I'm confident that I'll do just fine, but for some reason I still feel a little nervous inside.
It's late so I'm going to sign off and go to bed, I'm sorry if this post hasn't been too exciting.
Take care of yourself and others!
J
The last three weeks have become more difficult than any since Lisa's death. Everything has seemed to come crashing down on me and every task has become more difficult to complete (and sometimes nearly impossible to start). I recently added to the medicine that I have been taking since my depression started 7 or 8 years ago, but it doesn't seem to have made a difference yet. The medication that we added is supposed to give me a little more motivation and help to sharpen my thinking processes at the same time. I'm really hoping that it will kick in soon!
This Sunday and for the two following Sundays I will be photographing the members of my church for an electronic database that allows for the photographs to be included with the members' information. I'm really looking forward to meeting more members of the church by volunteering in this way. Everyone at New Thought Unity has been spectacular so I'm excited that I can do something to give back. After 20 years of photographing portraits I'm confident that I'll do just fine, but for some reason I still feel a little nervous inside.
It's late so I'm going to sign off and go to bed, I'm sorry if this post hasn't been too exciting.
Take care of yourself and others!
J
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