Still here

You were wondering weren't you?  I'm still here.


I'm still here
I'm still the same
I'm still sad
I'm still confused
I'm still on a one way street... moving slowly... ahead...
I'm still alive
I'm still breathing... haven't taken a breath...
I'm still...
Yep, that's it...
I'm still.

Gone To Sleep

New favorite song!  I feel like maybe Moby and Kelli Scarr were channeling my thoughts when they wrote this song together.  This one will be a favorite forever with me!  Every word conveys my feelings at this time in my life, now, seven months after Lisa, my "sun" has gone my "light", has "gone to sleep".

Follow this link and watch the second or third video first - after you see the goofy photograph of the guy with a cloud in place of his head.  You can follow along with the lyrics below too:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126476733

Thin light - escape
We've run fast and we wait
All the time we waste
All the days replaced


Somewhere there's a Sunday in the Fall
Where everything you love is safe and warm
Where everything was right
But I'm never going home... (2x)


Thin light is long
The life I knew is gone
It's nothing that I've ever seen
Darker than it's ever been


Somewhere there's a Sunday in the Fall
Where everything you love is safe and warm
Where everything was right
But I'm never going home...
-repeat

But I'm never going home...


All the time we wait
All the time we waste

All the days replaced (2x)


Somewhere there's a Sunday in the Fall
Where everything you love is safe and warm
Where everything was right
But I'm never going home...
-repeat

The sun is down
The lights have gone to sleep
I never knew the dark would be so deep
Somewhere you are warm

But I'm never going home..

Now watch the first video which tells about the creation and inspiration for the song.  Then read again my comments below.
...  ...  ...
I feel like the guy in the photograph that inspired the song too!  My head is a storm cloud of anger, confusion, you name it...  The briefcase to me represents the rest of me, mostly my work.  The trench coat and gloves are keeping my emotions, thoughts, feelings inside while at the same time preventing the outside world from intruding...  keeping more hurt from entering.  Fall in the foreground and middle-ground forest represents the end of a chapter in my life, but I see Spring in the background - through the trees.

I didn't recognize any of this at first listen and first glance!  The first time I listened to the song, I really liked the music, but I thought the lead vocalist's voice was too raw and uneven.  Too pitchy if that makes sense.  Then I really listened to the words and found the connection I could make to them.

I had similar feelings for the photograph.  I had seen the photograph many years ago and I thought it looked contrived and silly.  The cloud looks too obviously "Photoshopped" in.  And again I found more meaning in it's content as I looked at it again.  I didn't find hardly any of the meaning until I was simultaneously looking at the photograph and typing my thoughts about it in the paragraph above.

Don't get me wrong...

Don't get me wrong...  I'm not suicidal.

But...

I want Freedom From This Pain.
I want to be able to Live The Dreams We Had with Lisa By My Side.
I want Clarity of Thought.
I want Peace of Mind.
I want Limitless Love.
I want Connection.
I want Reunion.
I want More, Brighter Light.
I want Rest.
I want What I Had.
I want My Love-Space Refilled.
I want Togetherness.
I want Unity.
I want Pure Joy.
I want To Move On, Now.
I want To Release The Guilt.

But...

I've got Jayson - Lover, Protector, Old Soul, The Most Awesome Boy On Earth!, Mommy's Boy (not Mama's boy), and Confused.
I've got Taysha - Peacemaker, Comedienne, A Beauty, Intuitive, and Hiding From Her Feelings.
I've got Maya - Beautiful, Daddy's Girl, Warm, Honest, Observer, and Angry
I've got Many Incredible Families Supporting me, Showing Their Love, Trying to Understand.
I've got Many Incredible Friends Showing Their Love, Supporting me, Trying to Understand.
I've got Love All Around Me.
I've got Beautiful Memories Of Being Loved.
I've got More Quality Love Than Many People Have.

But...

I want Everything I Can't Have!

But...

I've got Everything I Truly Need!

But...

Jealousy

Would you believe

I'm jealous because you've died

I'm left here to grieve

While you've got New Life...

You’re reunited

With loves that have gone before

I’m left on earth

Wishing I were with you, and them, once more…

Family and friends show me love

Like they never have before

But all of their love multiplied

Will never take the place of yours...

I was who I was

Mostly because of you

Now that you're gone

I've become totally, unglued...

You've been completed

You've ironed out your creases

And I've become the puzzle

That's fallen into pieces...

I'm left alive

So broken and angry

You've become All Life

So complete, whole and free…

You are perfection

I'm left in doubt

I feel confused

Can't find my way out...

I can't see you at all

No never, no more

While you can see right through me

Like I'm an open door...

You are now Love

Never again will you fear

I'm afraid of everything

Now that you are not here...

You watch me knowing

That this is the best for me

And all that I can do here is think of you

Endlessly...

I’m so happy for you

That you’re finally at peace

But now I’m uncertain

What it is I should do with me

Would you believe

I'm jealous because you've died

I'm left here to grieve

While you've got New Life...

Spring Break

It's been a long time since I've written, I know.   I'm not sure why.   I'm not sure of anything at all yet to be honest.  I'm still feeling de-motivated and probably somewhat depressed.   I think often of Lisa of course, but I must still be mostly numb.   I haven't cried in a long time (until now).   I wonder if I've mourned enough and yet I know that I'll never know what is enough.   Parents in my group at Fernside are in my same state (or something very similar) after a year and a half has passed since their loss.   And someone even said that the second year can be worse.  I don't want to be here that long from now.   I haven't enjoyed anything I've done in the past six months.   I still spend the majority of my time in bed when my kids are not at home, but when they are here, we spend that time together, sometimes going out to run errands, sometimes watching movies and a lot of time doing homework with Jayson.   I feel guilty that I'm not getting much done around the house, but it's really pretty clean.   We're all staying well fed (I wonder if Jayson isn't gaining too much weight) and we're well groomed, and the kids seem happy at many times throughout the day.   I even washed and folded a bunch of laundry the week before last.  Right now, the lawn could definitely be mowed though... maybe tomorrow.

We spent all of last week in Myrtle Beach, SC.  We stayed at a very nice resort in a two bedroom condo.  All five of us flew down there a little over two years ago and we bought this vacation at that time, so we didn't have to pay anything for the room (or breakfast) for the whole week.  I drove the whole way this time because it was just me and the kids.  On the way there we stopped about an hour out of MB on Friday night and finished the drive on Saturday, but on the way back, we drove the whole way without stopping overnight.  The kids did great on the drives, and it turned out easier for me too than I had originally thought.  While there, we mostly visited the same places we visited the first time through because to be honest, there wasn't anything new there that we wanted to do, and at the same time, there was nothing there that we hadn't done on the last visit either.   The kids wanted to swim in the indoor pool just about the whole time, and other than the beach a number of times, we went to Brookgreen Gardens (a sculpture garden with a mini zoo) and Ripley's Aquarium.  We went to Huntington Beach State Park, Georgetown, and Garden City Beach also, and were able to play 18 holes of mini-golf too.  My favorite part was when we decided to fly kites on the beach.   While we were there, we went into a few stores and saw hermit crabs for sale.  The kids wanted one from the very first time they saw them, but we looked around and found them cheap at one store for $1 each.  We ended up buying and bringing home seven new hermit crabs!  Dad bought one for himself and the kids each bought two for themselves.  Overall, it was a good vacation, we had a bunch of chances to be a family together and talk about stuff that we needed to talk about.

As soon as we got back from MB, I went back to work.  Monday was a day of training for the upcoming First Communion and Prom photography season.  I thought it would be more uncomfortable than it was because I knew the trainers were people that I had given the same training to for three or four years before.  But telling myself that I didn't want or need to be the one doing all of the prep, and knowing that I wouldn't have to be the one holding people accountable anymore was a big help.

I guess things are turning out OK overall, but there is still too much sadness in the house and I'm confused about why the kids do not show any significant difference over the span of the past six months.  I might be expecting too much, but unless I bring up Lisa in conversation it seems like she would not be mentioned at all.  Keep the four of us in your thoughts and prayers, we still need it!

I received this today from one of my absolute favorite cousins.   I believe that this does actually happen before each of us are born!   Thanks CS!

If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you.

If God had told me, "this soul will one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "our time spent together here on earth could be short", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul may one day make me witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "all that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you...

Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you...


Author Unknown

Busy? Maybe...

I know... it's been a while since the last post.   I've been busy...?   Can I use that for an excuse?   Not really.

I hosted a party at the house on Wednesday for Jayson's birthday.   Lisa's mom, dad and sister were there and we had pizza and fried chicken with a few sides.   Lisa's sister brought just about everything (THANKS A TON) and also her two foster twins too!   Her twins are the same age as mine and they get along famously!  So well, that none of the four wanted to split up at the end of the night.   We're thinking a sleepover during one of the upcoming weekends would be a good idea!

Jayson had a really great birthday, at least that's what he told everyone.   It was hard for me to get any gift ideas from him, even after visiting two toy stores.   We figured some things out and then just the day before his birthday (two days after I finished shopping) he comes up with three or four new ideas for things he'd like to have.   Lucky for me, I had already gotten him a couple of those items!   I was proud of myself to say the least!

On Sunday Jayson "crossed over" from cub scouts to boy scouts and received his Arrow of Light Award.   It was a nice ceremony with a banquet and lots of other awards given out.   Jayson was able to carry the American Flag in the beginning of the ceremony and did an excellent job; if I can say so myself.   He sat with a friend for a little while, but made his way back to our table after not too long.   I was glad to have him back at our table with us.   He's an excellent boy, and I'm sure he'll become an even better man.

During the banquet Lisa was mentioned because she had been a den leader's assistant for a couple of years.   The Pack Leader had many nice words to say about her and the pack donated a large amount of money to the childrens' education fund too.   It was an emotional moment for me and I noticed, for a few other adults around the room.  Jayson was right on top of things as usual and made sure that he asked me more than once if I was doing OK!

Already today was his first Troop meeting (no longer called a pack) and Jayson was assigned to his Patrol (no longer called a den).   His patrol is called the Dynamite Patrol, and considering that the other two patrols were named Penguin and Duct Tape, we were glad he got that assignment over the others.   There will be an outing next weekend already which will include two over-nights near the Royal Gorge (is that spelled right?).   Jayson was excited to hear about it since it will include climbing instruction and he committed to go even though he knew I wouldn't be there and also before he was sure that his best friend from the Troop was going.   I was proud of him because I thought for sure he wouldn't be willing to go unless at least one of us was there.   So already, we're pretty well dug into scouts again for what seems like a couple of years.

Maya recently brought home a flier for a flag football team that she wants to cheer for, but it was not with an Upward team.   Since Upward was so great to us last year, I told her that I'm going to find out if they will have a team that she can join instead.   She has continued to be very angry at certain times around the house.  Last week, she even displayed her fury in front of one of her friends.   I told her that I was thinking of sending her to a doctor so that she can talk it out and she responded with an outraged, "Go right ahead, see if I care".   So I did...  The next morning I made a call to the doctor that worked with Jayson for his ADD and Verbal Processing Delay.   She is a super nice woman and worked great with him so I am hoping they will get along with each other and Dr. P will be able to help Maya and I through this stage.   Of course when Maya found out about the doctor, she went into another one of her fits of fury!

Taysha seems to be continuing on her path of making life for all of us fun!   She always throws in little quips here and there that take everyone by surprise and leave them laughing.   She then pretends that it was all an innocent joke and curls her hands in front of her mouth like a bunny rabbit feigning embarrassment.   She is enjoying her time playing now and then with Jayson and also now and then with Maya.   She's a great friend and sister to both of them and knows better than I about how to stay out of their disagreements.

As for me, I e-mailed my boss at Lifetouch and told her of my interest in returning to work.   I had heard through the grape vine that she wasn't sure that I would ever come back, so it may be a surprise to her.   I'm not wanting to jump back in full time right away, but will take it a little slower instead.   She will not have full time hours available for me at this time of year anyway.   I feel like I need to regain all of the confidence I one had in myself at work.   I'm not even sure of where it all went.

Wish me luck...

A Fernside Day Today

It's been three weeks since I began my leave from work.   I do feel a bunch better about things, as far as organization at home, and I'm even beginning to have a few more gray days than dark days.   It's been easier to get off of the couch and do things around the house too.

We went to Fernside today, and it really was good.   I was beginning to wonder when it was going to begin doing some good for me.   The kids absolutely love it, but until today, I haven't been feeling as if it was much of a help for me personally.   Today we brought more adults into our group of parents grieving the loss of their spouses.   Our number is up to about 12 adults which seemed to be a better number (at least for me).  Only three of us are men.   There was more conversation where I could find some common ground with the others.  One of the adults had lost their spouse only three weeks ago!   I was amazed that they had come to Fernside so soon after... 

The first, second and third grade group put on a puppet show.   Taysha and Maya each got to perform for the group.  Taysha's puppet was a monkey and Maya's was a Parrot.  The story was about how different people handle a loss in different ways.  There were six or seven different kinds of  creatures that were all friends, and unfortunately, the elephant that protected all of them suddenly died.  Each animal (puppet character) grieved the loss in different ways.  One had a lot of questions they wanted to ask, another tried to go out and have fun so that they could forget about the loss, a third just wanted to be alone, and yet another was feeling guilty about the loss, as if it were possibly their fault.  The kids did a really good job.  I was able to take the opportunity with the kids on the way home to ask them about which character they thought they might have been since... Jayson said that he thought he was like the monkey and I asked why.  I asked him how the monkey handled it's grief and he confessed that he really couldn't remember.  I asked them all if they maybe felt guilty about mommy's death and all three said no.   I asked if they felt like they just wanted to have fun so that they could forget about mom's death and both Taysha and Jayson said that they did want to just have fun and forget.  I know that Taysha was absolutely right about her observation.  It seemed like immediately after Lisa's death that Taysha started to joke around and tickle us much more often.  It was as if she was in a shell before and that the shell was opened as soon as Lisa died.  Until today I was really confused about her reaction, because I hadn't realized that the fun, teasing was helping her to get the death off of her mind.   I could only figure that Lisa had maybe somehow kept Taysha from freeing herself to have fun, but I also knew for sure that this could not have been possible.  Lisa was one of the best mothers, moms and mommies that I have ever known.

As far as how I think Jayson has reacted to Lisa's death, I constantly see that Jayson just wants to protect me from grieving.  Every time I sniffle, or any time that there is an emotional situation, Jayson is right there to ask me if I'm alright.  I'm still not sure if he is trying to protect me from my grief, or if he is protecting himself from losing me too.  I asked all three of them tonight if they ever felt afraid that I might die too and all three were very quick to discount that, so Jayson may not recognize what he's doing, or he maybe just doesn't want me to cry. 

Maya is a tough nut to figure out.  I really think she is mad; upset that she doesn't have her mom any more.  As I've mentioned before, she has been arguing much more often with Jayson, and has really been giving me the "Maya-tude".  On many occasions she has talked back (sometimes yelled back) at me when I ask her to help around the house, or to clean her room.  She reacts more emotionally to many situations than she needs to, but there has always been some of that in her (Maya-tude started long before Lisa died), and tears come more often and more quickly.  Many times when we begin a conversation about her mother, Maya will say that she doesn't want to talk about it.  She will hold her ears pretending that she is not listening and will never add to the conversation.  This obviously makes it difficult for me to figure out what she's thinking.  I can only hope that Fernside is helping her to get some of the confusion out.

Recent Thoughts

I went grocery shopping today, and I'm pretty proud of the fact that I saved $130.00 on $203.00 worth of purchases.   This is not the first time shopping since Lisa's death, but the first time that I used coupons!   Always before, I thought that the coupons were going to be too much trouble to keep track of and that it just wasn't going to be worth the hassle.   Live and learn...    The thing that got me to use coupons was a booklet that Kroger sent out that had a bunch of coupons that I thought I could use, also they sent an envelope full of coupons that I knew I would definitely use.   The envelope was obviously custom printed for my recent shopping habits.   Thanks Kroger, great idea, it worked for me!


The kids had a three day week last week, due to snow, and this week they've had Monday and Tuesday off too.   I'm not sure if they'll go back to school tomorrow because of the snow again, but I'm hoping that they will!   I have enjoyed the time that we've had together, but, well... I'm sure you stay at home moms and dads know what I'm thinking.   I have things on my To Do list that aren't getting done and I'd like some time to do them; without kids.

We still mention Lisa daily and the kids seem to be very much the same as they've been since...   They seem mostly unaffected even through Thanksgiving, Christmas and Lisa's Birthday without her.  Jayson's birthday is coming up on March the 3rd and I'm anxious to see how that goes too.   I'm constantly wondering if they are going through what they need in their individual grief process because there has been no real obvious or significant sign that they've been affected by this huge change in their lives.

Leave, Conference, Playroom

So far... So good...

My leave is progressing well so far.  I've gotten a few things done.  More importantly, the kids seem to be acting better.  Jayson and Maya were having quite a lot of arguments throughout each day and those have actually seemed to dissipate somewhat.  They were really trying to make each others' lives difficult, just picking on each other and  always disagreeing with what the other had to say.  Lucky me; I was given the opportunity on quite a few occasions over the past couple of weeks to practice my disciplinary skills. Since this was not something that I did very often while Lisa was alive, I've had very little practice, but I think Lisa schooled me well on this "raising kids" thing and I might actually have it somewhat figured out!  Wishful thinking...

My sister and I went to a parent/teacher conference for Jayson last Thursday and we heard from one teacher that Jayson had shown a new side of himself this past week.  She said that he was waving at her in the hallways, saying "hi" and smiling a lot more often than he has in a while.  She said she only had just begun to see this manifest itself in the past week.  She didn't have any idea up until that time that I had begun my leave earlier that same week.  I'm pretty sure this is another positive result of my decision to take time away from work.

I've gotten a ton of help over the past three weeks in putting together an area in the basement for the kids to play.  My sisters and parents have done a bunch to clean and organize everything in the basement, sort the toys upstairs into bins to bring downstairs, put up new shelves to store the bins on, and lay carpet on the floor so that they can play without it feeling cold.  We're not done yet!  We've completed the girls' room, but Jayson's is yet to be started.  All three kids really seem to love it!  Lisa and I did this years ago, but it got away from us pretty soon after.  This time I'm determined to keep on each of them and especially their friends to keep it clean!  It will really be nice to have all of the toys out of the kid's rooms and downstairs so that the rooms stay straightened!  I recommend to everyone that they get all of the toys out of the bedrooms and into a single, unseen location in the house, it has made a big difference here already!

Until next time, take care of yourself and each other...

J

Leave Of Absence

A week ago today, I met with my boss and decided that I would take a leave of absence from work and I also decided to step down from my management position at Lifetouch.  I'm going back to an hourly wage, which will include taking reduced hours at some times of the year and potential lay-offs at other times too.   I made the decision because I felt that I needed to "focus" more of my time on the kids, and less of it at work; away from the kids.  I want to take the time to figure out how I'm going to structure my days so that I can maximize the benefit I can get out of each day and begin to depend less on the outside help that I'm receiving from family.

The last three weeks have become more difficult than any since Lisa's death.   Everything has seemed to come crashing down on me and every task has become more difficult to complete (and sometimes nearly impossible to start).   I recently added to the medicine that I have been taking since my depression started 7 or 8 years ago, but it doesn't seem to have made a difference yet.  The medication that we added is supposed to give me a little more motivation and help to sharpen my thinking processes at the same time.   I'm really hoping that it will kick in soon!

This Sunday and for the two following Sundays I will be photographing the members of my church for an electronic database that allows for the photographs to be included with the members' information.  I'm really looking forward to meeting more members of the church by volunteering in this way.  Everyone at New Thought Unity has been spectacular so I'm excited that I can do something to give back.   After 20 years of photographing portraits I'm confident that I'll do just fine, but for some reason I still feel a little nervous inside.

It's late so I'm going to sign off and go to bed, I'm sorry if this post hasn't been too exciting.

Take care of yourself and others!

J

Snippets from Terri

Hello Jay--

I hope you and the kids are doing ok. I'm sure it's still hard on everyone without Lisa physically here with us although I know she's still "here"--just in a different way. I thought of Lisa and you guys this week on her birthday...I hope that went ok. I thought that might be an especially hard day for everyone.

Anyway...I've been reading your blog and thanks for giving me the link for it. You asked about thoughts of Lisa and here are mine...just random thoughts/snippets:

1. Lisa was always so tall (even in high school) and so it was especially funny that her and Jenny were good friends because of their height difference! We used to tease them about it (and they took the teasing well...they were both good about it!) and used to say that Jenny should have had the last name "Small" and not Lisa!

2. I remember when Lisa met you and how happy she was. I also remember how fun it was for everyone to go out as couples (pre-kids!) and you guys were always such a great couple. You really seemed to have a good connection.

3. Lisa was always so good with kids...I remember being at Jenny's for Colin's b.day party one year and Jenny's friend Shari brought her new baby. Everyone was oohing and aaahing over the baby, but Lisa was the one who grabbed her up and wanted to hold her and I think she ended up holding her most of the day! (well, until her own kids started getting jealous, actually! :) ). And I was so impressed with how "easy" Lisa was with the baby and also how the baby didn't fuss at all with Lisa holding her even though Lisa was a stranger to her.

4. Finally...Lisa was so wonderful to me when I was trying to get pregnant and when I had trouble at the end of my pregnancy. Lisa referred me to her fertility doctor and talked me through everything and even offered to go with me whenever I had a doctor's appointment. Here is what I loved about Lisa...some people make offers like that just to be polite but don't really mean it but with Lisa, I knew if I had ever called her and asked for her help (which I did a few times), she was always right there.  Right before Beth was born, I found out I would need a C-section because she was breech and I freaked out. I called Lisa one night (slightly hysterical!) and Lisa literally talked me through every step of what would happen. I can't tell you how much that meant to me...when I went into the hospital the morning I had Beth, I was so much calmer because I knew what was going to happen. If Lisa hadn't talked to me about all that, I would have been a basket case. Then after I had Beth, Lisa was one of the first people to come by with a casserole and I thought that was very thoughtful. But most of all, she also gave me advice. I called her quite a bit those first few months and she always had great advice to give me but even better, she always calmed me down and let me know everything would be great.

I miss Lisa...she was such a special person to me (as you can imagine after reading the above!). You and your kids are special too and I hope you're doing ok.

Love,
Terri

Going 35 in a 65

Call me Goodyear, no it hasn't been that... Call me Michelin - I'm tired!  Too much thinking - overthinking.  Too much still to do, too much left undone, too much to remember, too much forgotten, too much noise in my head.  Too much running from place to place, too much dependence on others' help, too much wanting to just lie around, too much lying around, too much stuff, too much disorganization, too much  to re-organize.  Too much guilt.  Too much negative self-talk.

At work I feel like a liability.  I feel like I'm pulling the studio down.  I feel like I've already pulled the studio too far down.  Too much menial work that leaves no time for the important work.  Everything is needed to be done yesterday, but the tools necessary aren't available until tomorrow.  No time tomorrow to get it done.


I can't let myself look forward and it's too painful to look back.  The next goals are too far away, too far in the future to look toward.  Too much risk of failure and letdown again before I can allow myself to become enthusiastic about possibly reaching those goals.


My car will only allow me to go 35 miles per hour in a 65 mile per hour world!  I've torn off my rear view mirror and my windshield is fogged over.  All I've got, all I can let myself see is the view to the sides.

I need a new mirror and some washer fluid...

Happy Birthday From Annie!

Lisa,

Happy Birthday! I miss you... we all miss you. Jayson needs you very much right now. I think he's going through a difficult time. He cries more now than I've seen him cry in all of his 10 years. Maya and Taysha each have their "times" missing you in a very difficult way. How they can live not having your lap to climb up on, I'll NEVER know. They've all matured in the last 3 months. They had no choice. Can you believe they are wearing bras?

I hope you see the In Memoriam in the Enquirer today. Life is painful without you. I cry and cry.

Jay is ... well, I'll let him tell you about himself. I feel so confused about how to help him. I can't seem to help myself. Pray to God for us.

Sometimes I'm jealous because you know more about the next place and God than I could ever learn in this place, even with all my schooling and reading and thinking. If you can, pass it along to me.

I can't write any more right now. The pain has overtaken me yet again.

You are in my heart always, Annie

Happy Birthday Lisa!

I love you with all my heart and we miss you greatly!

Obituary

Originally published on 10/20/2009

BRUNE, Lisa

BRUNE Lisa (nee Small), beloved wife of Jay Brune. Loving mother of Jayson, Taysha and Maya Brune. Dear daughter of Robert and Martha Small. Sister of Cristy Small and Gary Small. Also survived by 11 nieces and nephews. October 17, 2009, age 42. Memorial visitation at the New Thought Unity Church, 1401 East McMillan St., 45206 on Wednesday from 5 until time of service at 7 p.m. In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to: Brune Children's Educational Fund, c/o Fifth Third Bank.

Funeral Home: .John Hodapp Sons Inc
Funeral Date: Oct. 21, 7 p.m.

You Tell Me What You Want To Read About!

How about some comments from my readers? I've gotten some suggestions from my mom about things to include in this blog. Tell me what you would like me to write about next...

1.) Maya's wanting to start wearing a "Bra" at the age of 8yrs and me being a man, and that's not my job. This will probably lead into the future and my concerns about how to handle other "womenly" issues.

2.) Maya's reaction at our family of five minus one's Christmas Celebration. Probably not as long a story as you might expect.

3.) Kids protective instincts toward their daddy.

4.) Fernside - The grief support group which we visit a couple of Mondays a month. I won't write about other members, but can include some comments and artwork that the kids told me they made there.

5.) The kids journal writings about (to) their mom.

6.) Anything you can think of.

7.) Questions that you might have.

***Please send me some memories of Lisa that you might have. I WILL post them here so that everyone in the world will be able to read them! I'd like to have these memories for myself and my kids too!*** EVERYONE IS WELCOME! Just send an e-mail to jay_brune@yahoo.com and I'll post them for us!

***Cousins and friends, please share this blog with all of your family members or friends, especially the ones that knew Lisa!

This coming Tuesday the 26th of January was to be Lisa's 43rd Birthday, so before I start writing about the #1 request from above, or begin posting your memories, I'll probably write about that day first!

I'm so hollow!

Lyrics to "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt
Played at the ceremony in celebration of who Lisa IS.
October 21st, 2009


You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Please Share!

Please feel free to share this blog with anyone and everyone that you think might benefit from reading it.

I'm writing it for myself! For healing release, for closure, for remembrance of my life with Lisa!

I'm writing it for Our Children! Specifically Lisa's and mine. They will be able to read it any time and remember their mother. I don't know how much an 8 or 10 year old will remember of their mother when they grow to be 43 like me, so it's for then - and beyond then. It's for Children who have experienced a loss similar to ours. It's for your Children and their Children. It's for all of OUR Children (capital "C" because they are so important to all of us)!

I'm writing it for all of those people who know and love Lisa! She's still in our hearts, she's kept alive there, by each of us!

I'm writing it for Lisa! I want to help keep her memory alive! Forever... She IS simply amazing! A beautiful, perfect, loving, devoted wife, an extremely gentle, caring, intelligent mom(my), a sensitive, helpful sister and a respectful, insightful, adoring daughter.

I'm writing it for everyone on Earth! Some may recognize that they are not alone in their grief and confusion. Some will finally see that a man is really capable of expressing his love after all :) Some will see that it really is OK for a man to express himself, and his emotions.

Hopefully all of us will come to the realization that we must express the love that we have now, and never hold it back until tomorrow, because there may not be another tomorrow...

I'M NOT DONE!

The Events of October 16th and 17th

Warning to those who know and love Lisa, this will be an incredibly tough read!!
Do not read it if you do not want to know every detail about what
happened on the morning of October 17th, 2009!!

Friday night, October 16th, 2009 ended very much like any other night in our home. I was home that evening for dinner and I helped put the kids in bed. Lisa and I sat in the living room, I was playing on my computer, and she was watching TV. Eventually she decided that she was going to go to bed and she kissed me goodnight like always. Then she went to brush her teeth. Usually she peeked out into the living room after brushing her teeth one more time to say goodnight before going in to lie down. On this night, she did not. I went to bed a few hours later and everything seemed normal. I'm sure I fell asleep knowing that she was breathing silently beside me because I always had to be sure of her breathing before I could allow myself to sleep. I slept well that night...

Around 5:30am Saturday morning, after a dreamless night, I awoke to the sound of a loud snoring, or snorting kind of a noise. I saw that it was Lisa making the noise and I tried to wake her quietly. I continued to try to awaken her and after being unsuccessful for a little while, I began to shake her and yell out her name. Still snoring strangely... asleep... I began smacking her face and I lifted open her eyelids, but Lisa continued to snore in in that same weird way. I yelled her name again and again. Jayson woke up and came running into the bedroom and asked what was going on. In my panic, I told him to call 911... no wait... no... call 911! I thought that maybe she was choking, so I stuck my fingers in her throat. Nothing... I breathed air into her mouth a few times and that only made the snoring stranger and louder. It was like she was trying to breath, but her tongue was in the way. She was inhaling very rapidly and heavily and it seemed to come less and less often. Jayson came back, he said he couldn't hear the woman on the phone. I took the phone from him and told her what was happening and gave her our address, she said an ambulance was on it's way and then somehow indicated that it was OK for me to hang up. I remember thinking that they never tell you to hang up - don't they make you stay on the line and help you until the ambulance arrives?

I tried CPR on Lisa (I don't know CPR), I remembered to tip her head back, but forgot to hold her nose shut. I breathed again twice into her mouth and tried three chest compressions. By now the girls had awoken too and all three kids were crying and screaming "mommy wake up!" They were out in the hallway just outside of our room watching me through the door while I tried desperately to revive their mother. I yelled to Jayson to go and turn on all of the lights outside and inside, open the door and wave down the ambulance when he saw it. He did it! He yelled "I hear them coming", I heard them too.

The ambulance arrived. I desperately yelled to Jayson a couple of times to tell them to hurry please! It seemed like it took the paramedics longer to get into the house than it did for them to drive to the house. The phone rang, I think I answered it, or was it Jayson; it was a neighbor across the street, she said "Jay! What's going on?" I only said, "get over here now!" and I hung up. The paramedics were inside the bedroom, they kept asking "what's her history?" over and over again, I said "there is none!" They said "diabetes?", I said "no", they said 5 or six other things, I said "NO!". I couldn't think straight! I tried to think of something to tell them... anything... nothing came. The paramedics told me to go to the kitchen table and write down "her information" I found a piece of paper in the computer printer and wrote "Lisa Marie Brune" and her birthday, I couldn't think of anything else to write. The neighbor arrived with one other from another home. I said to them "I think Lisa's dying...". One of them told me that they were taking the kids to her home. She told me to put some clothes on so that I could go with them in the ambulance, I was only wearing my underwear. She and the kids were suddenly gone. The paramedics were carrying Lisa out on a backboard they had her tubed and "bagged" and were performing chest compressions on her. The stretcher was in the living room because it wouldn't fit down the hallway to our bedroom. One of the paramedics carrying the backboard dropped his end in the hallway. Lisa's head fell to the floor. I went into the bedroom to get some clothes and noticed a puddle of urine in the bed. I knew what that meant... She was gone....

I had to ask a couple times if I could ride in the ambulance with them, one of the paramedics didn't want to answer, finally they put me in the front passenger seat. We drove too slowly with lights and sirens on, to the hospital. I looked back a couple of times to see that they were still doing chest compressions on Lisa. I remember thinking "her chest will really hurt bad when she wakes up", and then thinking, "she probably won't wake up"...

We arrived at the hospital and they wheeled her into the emergency room, still giving her compressions. They took her into a private room and closed the curtains. I couldn't see or hear anything. Nothing...

The second neighbor that had come to the house earlier, arrived at the hospital right away. I told her again that I think Lisa had died. I called my mom; through my tears I tried to give her directions to the hospital. She couldn't understand me... I stopped... composed myself and as clearly as I could, I repeated the directions. I called Lisa's parents and gave them the same information. I only remember giving directions, I don't know what else I said to any of them.

I sat on the floor in the hallway against the wall with my knees up and cried... and prayed... I said "Our Father's" and "Hail Mary's" over and over, I knew the stupid prayers weren't going to bring Lisa back to life. I knew the doctors weren't going to bring Lisa back to life. My neighbor stood by me and said "it'll be alright". A nurse showed us to a room nearby where we could sit and wait... and wait...



Time of death... 7:08am



Exactly like you see on television, a young doctor came into the room. He had a very sad expression. He came to me and asked if I was Lisa's husband. He said to me "Mr. Brune, I'm sorry but we could not save Lisa. We had all of the best doctors and nurses in the hospital working on her and we worked for 45 minutes. I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

He told me I could go in and see her... he explained that she would have tubes in her mouth, and wires, etc... Just like you see on television.

I went in...

She was lying there on the bed with her hair flowing off of the top of it. I spoke to her. I only remember saying, "oh baby... oh baby..." over and over again. I put my arms around her as best as I could and laid my shoulders on her chest. I stood up again, I combed through her hair with my fingers because she always loved that. I rubbed my fingertips back and forth across her forehead; she had always loved that too. She just laid there... too silent... unmoving. I put my head against hers and I smelled her hair. It smelled like coconut. It smelled beautiful! I knew that I wanted to remember this smell forever, so I breathed in the scent of her many more times that morning...

I left the room and told my neighbor that she could go in. Soon after, my mom and Barry arrived and were coming up the hall to meet me. I walked to them and embraced them, I told them that Lisa was gone... My mother was shocked and said it couldn't be possible. We hugged each other and cried together. I saw Lisa's parents arriving. Again, I met them in the hallway and embraced them. I told them that their daughter had died. Her mother said "No", her father let go of me and went to one of the walls, leaned his face against it and sobbed. I went over to him, he only said "why her..", again he said "why her...". Then he said "why not me instead...?" I was thinking the same thing, "why not me instead?". We all cried together.

Lisa's parents and my parents took turns and went into the room where Lisa was. I went in again, once with each of them. My sisters arrived with their husbands and Lisa's brother came also. We spent more time in the emergency room. The doctors came back and told me about some more details of what was going to happen next. They told me there would be an autopsy to find out the cause...

I said, "I have to go tell the kids.."

Someone drove me home and I went across the street to get the kids. Jayson was 10 and the girls had just turned 8 years old 14 days before. I walked back home with them, I remember the exact path we took across the street, but I don't remember what any of us said. I took them into our house, sat them down together on the couch and told them that their mommy had died. The four of us cried together. I told them that mommy's body stopped working and that her soul left it to go to heaven. I said "God wanted mommy to be with him... then stopped. I knew that was the wrong thing to say. I corrected myself somehow, and went on to say that mommy didn't want to leave because she loved us very, very much. I said that we wouldn't be able to see mommy any more, but she'll be with us everywhere we go for the rest of our lives. The three of them and I cried together some more, and I sat quietly with them for a long while.

Everyone that came to the hospital also came to my house that morning. Lisa's sister also arrived there. I asked one of my sisters if she would walk with me. We walked slowly around the block together. My sister said to me "You know, Lisa's up in heaven right now and she's pissed off at God! She's telling him 'I'M NOT DONE RAISING THOSE KIDS! I'M NOT DONE!'". I said "I know... you're right..."

Miscelaneous dribble

Finally filed today for Social Security for me and the kids. The kids will get a monthly benefit check (I'm sure glad they call it a "benefit"...NOT!) until they are 18 or out of High School and I'll get a one time payment of not too much in February. The kids checks will be enough to replace Lisa's income at least until inflation and cost of living increases.

I worked today too at an Early Childhood School near my home and caught myself looking at the teachers' left hands to see if they were available. I felt a little guilty because Lisa's been gone less than three months and I'm already looking at other women, but I know that I won't be replacing her any time soon, if ever.

Yesterday I was getting overwhelmed again with everything that "needs to get done". I'm getting TONS of help from my family and friends, but there still seems to be so much more that Lisa did that I cannot seem to get done myself! Mom and my sisters keep asking if there is more they can do, but there is a great big feeling inside of me that makes me want to prove to myself that I can get it all done. If Lisa was able to complete all of these tasks, I should be able to also! My mom and sisters have responsibilities of their own and shouldn't have to add me to their lists! {Yes, I know what you women will say - just let me vent; thanks}.

The kids have been continuing to do amazingly well! We mention mommy all of the time in our daily lives. It's feels so nice to me when any one of the kids mention her, there's no pain then because I want them to be able to talk freely and they each speak of her so rarely that it's great to hear it when it happens.

The four of us went to see the movie "Avatar" in 3D yesterday afternoon and I actually cried more than a couple of times because my thoughts kept returning to Lisa. Lisa believed in the same God that is depicted in the movie as the God of the Na'vi (the residents of the planet Pandora). Near the beginning of the movie, the lead male character is attacked by multiple, very vicious creatures that hunt in packs (the viperwolves). He proceeds to kill a few of them before the female lead comes and kills or runs off the rest of them in order to save him. She then calls him an idiot because he caused so many needless deaths among these animals. He can't believe what he is hearing because it was these vicious creatures that attacked him! Lisa would have felt exactly as the female character (Neytiri) did in the movie. Her point was that these creatures did not deserve to die, they were merely hunting him for food so that they could all continue to live. The male character was stupid because he put himself out there in the forest at night by his own choice; he has a more highly evolved conscience and he should know better than to put himself and the viperwolves into a situation where he or they would be killed!

In another portion of the movie, a human (Earth) character that is also very sympathetic with the "Nature God" of Pandora dies on the planet. I also saw a lot of Lisa in this character because of her love for all things natural. As she is dying, she sees God and exclaims about how beautiful God is! The thoughts that I had about what this character saw and what she said must have been very similar to what Lisa saw and thought when she passed... tears flowed...

If you want to go out, definitely see Avatar in 3D! It's a fabulous movie with an important hidden meaning! Take me too! On your dime of course.

That's enough for now I guess, I'm sorry it's been a few days since I posted anything, I had a little Bloggers-block going on. I have a few more ideas for future posts, so it shouldn't be long before I get back here - no guarantees though!

Heartache

I saw this on a friend's Facebook page! "The heartache we endure makes us appreciate the love we find later even more♥" Thanks Brittany!

Shattered Dreams

Dreams...

What do I do now with the dreams? The memories of our past together are great to have. But what of the dreams? We shared dreams together! Dreams are a part of those memories of Lisa too.

Lisa and I co-created these dreams, they were never mine alone, they never were hers alone, they were ours... together! Can I live them as mine alone now?

"We'll travel North America together on motorcycles!" "Well start in the southwest!" "We'll take only the back roads and we'll be able to just stop and photograph anything we want at anytime!" "We'll spend as much or as little time as we like at each place we visit!" "No preplanned route, we'll decide what's next less than a day in advance!"

A dream I was truly convinced that we would live out together! I KNEW in my heart of hearts that Lisa and I would travel together in our retirement! What a fool! What an absolute disappointment now!

I can't allow myself to dream any more... I don't want to dream anymore... It seems like such a huge mistake I made, allowing myself to believe in these dreams which, now, can never come true. If I'm to learn from this mistake then I'm not going to permit myself to dream again.

I know I can't allow this to happen! I know that I'll dream again. But I also know that when I dream again, I'll remember what past experience has taught me, I'll be thinking in the back of my head that these dreams may never come true. If I'm thinking that way, can they really still be considered dreams? Is that fair to those that I co-create the dreams with? Maybe my dreams and ambitions should only include myself as a player, that way there will be no future disappointment?

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe." -Anatole France

"Nothing happens unless first we dream." -Carl Sandburg

"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each others dreams, we can be together all the time". -Hobbes (of Calvin and ...)

"Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn! Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life. In its brief course lie all the Verities and Realities of your Existence. The Bliss of Growth, The Glory of Action, The Splendor of Beauty; For Yesterday is but a Dream, And To-morrow is only a Vision; But To-day well lived makes every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness, And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope. Look well therefore to this Day!
Such is the Salutation of the Dawn!" -Kalidasa

I guess I'll keep living one day at a time.
j.

New Year?

All is quiet on New Years Day...
A world in white gets under way
I want to be with you night and day
Nothing changes on New Year's Day
-U2

Nothing has changed after New Year's Day. Just another day to plow through, another day after... another day since... another day wishing I could replay some of 2009. WOW! If only I could have her in my life again! Knowing what I know now, would I do anything differently? Would I make a change?

You bet I would!

Not everything, not even a whole lot of things, but there are some regrets.