It's been a long, lonely time...

1:40am, I'm sick and tired - literally.  Yet I feel a need to have a discussion with you.

I'm missing you, I'm confused.  I don't see the reason, the justification, the "good".  I don't think I ever will.  I miss you.  The kids do too.  Jayson's got a good friend overnight, Taysha's in her bed, asleep and Maya's here in my bed with me, also asleep.  We mentioned you again today.  Did you notice?  Do you notice me- the kids? Where are you?  I say, and I believe that you're always here with me, but it's so difficult.  Difficult to believe, difficult to "be", and difficult to "live".  "Here in spirit" sucks!  It's not enough - it's not working for me!  I'm not giving up, don't worry, just sayin', it's difficult.

Christmas is here again.  The tree is up - what a pain that is every year... now... since you've been gone.  God this sucks without you!  You're so alive and beautiful in my dreams - then I wake up.  I hate waking up sometimes.  So easy to stay in bed when I'm only working 20 or so hours each week.  So easy to sleep hoping to dream of you again.

Most days it seems like forever ago, that horrible morning.  That horrible mourning.  I've been so busy without you.  I miss having you as the one who understood everything about me.  You knew me like no one else.  You know the persons and the personalities I deal with - at work - my friends.  I could talk to you and get answers that made sense.  Adult conversations with someone who knows, someone who's on my side are nonexistent now.  I miss that - I miss you.  I miss looking into your eyes and seeing your love for me there.  Two years and two months too long.  It's been too long.  So much farther yet to go... so far to go.  Thank God for family, yours and mine.  Thank God for friends, yours and mine.

Is there a reason for this?  Is something good supposed to come of this?  I don't get it.  It's just pain is all it is.  Two years and two months and so far yet to go.  I feel so alone, alone together with our three beautiful children.

2:40am, I'm sick and tired - literally.  I'm going to sleep now.  Maybe I'll dream of you, maybe not.  I don't know anymore which I'd prefer...