Don't get me wrong...

Don't get me wrong...  I'm not suicidal.

But...

I want Freedom From This Pain.
I want to be able to Live The Dreams We Had with Lisa By My Side.
I want Clarity of Thought.
I want Peace of Mind.
I want Limitless Love.
I want Connection.
I want Reunion.
I want More, Brighter Light.
I want Rest.
I want What I Had.
I want My Love-Space Refilled.
I want Togetherness.
I want Unity.
I want Pure Joy.
I want To Move On, Now.
I want To Release The Guilt.

But...

I've got Jayson - Lover, Protector, Old Soul, The Most Awesome Boy On Earth!, Mommy's Boy (not Mama's boy), and Confused.
I've got Taysha - Peacemaker, Comedienne, A Beauty, Intuitive, and Hiding From Her Feelings.
I've got Maya - Beautiful, Daddy's Girl, Warm, Honest, Observer, and Angry
I've got Many Incredible Families Supporting me, Showing Their Love, Trying to Understand.
I've got Many Incredible Friends Showing Their Love, Supporting me, Trying to Understand.
I've got Love All Around Me.
I've got Beautiful Memories Of Being Loved.
I've got More Quality Love Than Many People Have.

But...

I want Everything I Can't Have!

But...

I've got Everything I Truly Need!

But...

Jealousy

Would you believe

I'm jealous because you've died

I'm left here to grieve

While you've got New Life...

You’re reunited

With loves that have gone before

I’m left on earth

Wishing I were with you, and them, once more…

Family and friends show me love

Like they never have before

But all of their love multiplied

Will never take the place of yours...

I was who I was

Mostly because of you

Now that you're gone

I've become totally, unglued...

You've been completed

You've ironed out your creases

And I've become the puzzle

That's fallen into pieces...

I'm left alive

So broken and angry

You've become All Life

So complete, whole and free…

You are perfection

I'm left in doubt

I feel confused

Can't find my way out...

I can't see you at all

No never, no more

While you can see right through me

Like I'm an open door...

You are now Love

Never again will you fear

I'm afraid of everything

Now that you are not here...

You watch me knowing

That this is the best for me

And all that I can do here is think of you

Endlessly...

I’m so happy for you

That you’re finally at peace

But now I’m uncertain

What it is I should do with me

Would you believe

I'm jealous because you've died

I'm left here to grieve

While you've got New Life...

Spring Break

It's been a long time since I've written, I know.   I'm not sure why.   I'm not sure of anything at all yet to be honest.  I'm still feeling de-motivated and probably somewhat depressed.   I think often of Lisa of course, but I must still be mostly numb.   I haven't cried in a long time (until now).   I wonder if I've mourned enough and yet I know that I'll never know what is enough.   Parents in my group at Fernside are in my same state (or something very similar) after a year and a half has passed since their loss.   And someone even said that the second year can be worse.  I don't want to be here that long from now.   I haven't enjoyed anything I've done in the past six months.   I still spend the majority of my time in bed when my kids are not at home, but when they are here, we spend that time together, sometimes going out to run errands, sometimes watching movies and a lot of time doing homework with Jayson.   I feel guilty that I'm not getting much done around the house, but it's really pretty clean.   We're all staying well fed (I wonder if Jayson isn't gaining too much weight) and we're well groomed, and the kids seem happy at many times throughout the day.   I even washed and folded a bunch of laundry the week before last.  Right now, the lawn could definitely be mowed though... maybe tomorrow.

We spent all of last week in Myrtle Beach, SC.  We stayed at a very nice resort in a two bedroom condo.  All five of us flew down there a little over two years ago and we bought this vacation at that time, so we didn't have to pay anything for the room (or breakfast) for the whole week.  I drove the whole way this time because it was just me and the kids.  On the way there we stopped about an hour out of MB on Friday night and finished the drive on Saturday, but on the way back, we drove the whole way without stopping overnight.  The kids did great on the drives, and it turned out easier for me too than I had originally thought.  While there, we mostly visited the same places we visited the first time through because to be honest, there wasn't anything new there that we wanted to do, and at the same time, there was nothing there that we hadn't done on the last visit either.   The kids wanted to swim in the indoor pool just about the whole time, and other than the beach a number of times, we went to Brookgreen Gardens (a sculpture garden with a mini zoo) and Ripley's Aquarium.  We went to Huntington Beach State Park, Georgetown, and Garden City Beach also, and were able to play 18 holes of mini-golf too.  My favorite part was when we decided to fly kites on the beach.   While we were there, we went into a few stores and saw hermit crabs for sale.  The kids wanted one from the very first time they saw them, but we looked around and found them cheap at one store for $1 each.  We ended up buying and bringing home seven new hermit crabs!  Dad bought one for himself and the kids each bought two for themselves.  Overall, it was a good vacation, we had a bunch of chances to be a family together and talk about stuff that we needed to talk about.

As soon as we got back from MB, I went back to work.  Monday was a day of training for the upcoming First Communion and Prom photography season.  I thought it would be more uncomfortable than it was because I knew the trainers were people that I had given the same training to for three or four years before.  But telling myself that I didn't want or need to be the one doing all of the prep, and knowing that I wouldn't have to be the one holding people accountable anymore was a big help.

I guess things are turning out OK overall, but there is still too much sadness in the house and I'm confused about why the kids do not show any significant difference over the span of the past six months.  I might be expecting too much, but unless I bring up Lisa in conversation it seems like she would not be mentioned at all.  Keep the four of us in your thoughts and prayers, we still need it!