It's been three weeks since I began my leave from work. I do feel a bunch better about things, as far as organization at home, and I'm even beginning to have a few more gray days than dark days. It's been easier to get off of the couch and do things around the house too.
We went to Fernside today, and it really was good. I was beginning to wonder when it was going to begin doing some good for me. The kids absolutely love it, but until today, I haven't been feeling as if it was much of a help for me personally. Today we brought more adults into our group of parents grieving the loss of their spouses. Our number is up to about 12 adults which seemed to be a better number (at least for me). Only three of us are men. There was more conversation where I could find some common ground with the others. One of the adults had lost their spouse only three weeks ago! I was amazed that they had come to Fernside so soon after...
The first, second and third grade group put on a puppet show. Taysha and Maya each got to perform for the group. Taysha's puppet was a monkey and Maya's was a Parrot. The story was about how different people handle a loss in different ways. There were six or seven different kinds of creatures that were all friends, and unfortunately, the elephant that protected all of them suddenly died. Each animal (puppet character) grieved the loss in different ways. One had a lot of questions they wanted to ask, another tried to go out and have fun so that they could forget about the loss, a third just wanted to be alone, and yet another was feeling guilty about the loss, as if it were possibly their fault. The kids did a really good job. I was able to take the opportunity with the kids on the way home to ask them about which character they thought they might have been since... Jayson said that he thought he was like the monkey and I asked why. I asked him how the monkey handled it's grief and he confessed that he really couldn't remember. I asked them all if they maybe felt guilty about mommy's death and all three said no. I asked if they felt like they just wanted to have fun so that they could forget about mom's death and both Taysha and Jayson said that they did want to just have fun and forget. I know that Taysha was absolutely right about her observation. It seemed like immediately after Lisa's death that Taysha started to joke around and tickle us much more often. It was as if she was in a shell before and that the shell was opened as soon as Lisa died. Until today I was really confused about her reaction, because I hadn't realized that the fun, teasing was helping her to get the death off of her mind. I could only figure that Lisa had maybe somehow kept Taysha from freeing herself to have fun, but I also knew for sure that this could not have been possible. Lisa was one of the best mothers, moms and mommies that I have ever known.
As far as how I think Jayson has reacted to Lisa's death, I constantly see that Jayson just wants to protect me from grieving. Every time I sniffle, or any time that there is an emotional situation, Jayson is right there to ask me if I'm alright. I'm still not sure if he is trying to protect me from my grief, or if he is protecting himself from losing me too. I asked all three of them tonight if they ever felt afraid that I might die too and all three were very quick to discount that, so Jayson may not recognize what he's doing, or he maybe just doesn't want me to cry.
Maya is a tough nut to figure out. I really think she is mad; upset that she doesn't have her mom any more. As I've mentioned before, she has been arguing much more often with Jayson, and has really been giving me the "Maya-tude". On many occasions she has talked back (sometimes yelled back) at me when I ask her to help around the house, or to clean her room. She reacts more emotionally to many situations than she needs to, but there has always been some of that in her (Maya-tude started long before Lisa died), and tears come more often and more quickly. Many times when we begin a conversation about her mother, Maya will say that she doesn't want to talk about it. She will hold her ears pretending that she is not listening and will never add to the conversation. This obviously makes it difficult for me to figure out what she's thinking. I can only hope that Fernside is helping her to get some of the confusion out.
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Hi Jay,
ReplyDeleteI've heard really good things about Fernside, especially for children. As a therapist I've worked with children, adolescents and adults and I'm always amazed at how easily children are able to express themselves and work through their strong emotions when they feel emotionally safe to do so. In my role as a therapist they usually open up because it's always easier to open up and be genuine with an outside person. Children don't generally share strong emotions directly like adults, they respond well to play therapy and creative therapy because it's less threatening, less emotional overload. They are also not as verbally articulate. You are grieving yourself and in my experience with family systems it is pretty normal for a child to step up and want to protect the surviving parent (usually the oldest child), as in your case. You might want to talk to one of the adult facilitators at Fernside, maybe you have. I think it's great that you have this blog to express yourself and I also encourage you to get support if needed with your grieving. I'm a little bias, of course, but do think emotional support is necessary at certain points in life to help us move through the feelings so we don't stay stuck. Seeing you and your children at Unity I know they are going to be okay. They are adorable and well-adjusted. Have faith that you and Lisa have been great parents and you will continue to be a great father. Your love as parents and for one another has laid the best foundation possible.
Jay, I finally got up the nerve to read everything and I am amazed out how well things are going. I am constantly thinking of Lisa. We used to talk and confide so much. I have a raccoon trap and put it in the back yard. I let Cassie out at four in the morning and went to check the trap and sliffped and fellon my rear. I was fine and when I was laying there I thought "Wait till I tell Lisa about this. This thought is aways on my mind when anythng happens I think about calling Lisa and letting her know. She would have laughed I am sure until she found out I broke a rib!! I'm not being morbid but I miss her terribly and know a little about what you and your kids are going through. I am outraged with God that he let this happen. I'd better not get started. Our thoughts are with you and the kids and we are really anxious to help out. Our love to you and the kids and tell them we love you all, Bob
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