Untitled

Above it all for a while
Untouchable and safe
We move together in elements
That typify this mood

No one can see us
Not that we care

I don't explain anything
No need to share

Our journey has just begun

-Lisa (Small) Brune -1996

The Traveler By James Dillet Freeman

She has put on invisibility.
Dear Lord, I cannot see—
But this I know, although the road
    ascends
And passes from my sight,
That there will be no night;
That You will take her gently by the
    hand
And lead her on
Along the road of life that never ends,
And she will find it is not death but
    dawn.
I do not doubt that You are there as
    here,
And You will hold her dear.

Our life did not begin with birth,
It is not of the earth;
And this that we call death, it is no
    more
Than the opening and closing of a
    door—
And in Your house how many rooms
    must be
Beyond this one where we rest
    momently.

Dear Lord, I thank You for the faith
    that frees,
The love that knows it cannot lose its
    own;
The love that, looking through the
    shadows, sees
That You and she and I are ever one!

This I Believe - by: Jayson R. Brune

This I believe.

I believe that life isn't always fair, but you always have to keep moving forward.  Life is not always happy or sad.  It is not always good or always evil.  The world is a happy and sad place.  Quite like the story I am about to tell right now.

It was a cool, crisp morning around 5:00am and out of nowhere I heard a strange sound.  I think it was the scariest noise ever.  I called from my bed, "Dad!  What's that noise?"  He replied, "It's just your mom snoring."  I shouted, "Okay," down the hall and tried to fall back asleep.

Then the noise got louder and no longer sounded like her usual snoring.  My mom was unresponsive so my dad, in a panicky voice, yelled, "Call 911!"  I rushed to the phone.  I was so nervous and scared I could hardly hear the operator on the the other end.  I ran to my dad and handed him the phone.

About four or five minutes later a fire truck and an ambulance arrived at our house.  The men actually fit a stretcher in the door of my house.  There was a lot of commotion and I did not really understand what was going on.  Then some of my neighbors came over and one of them took my sisters and I over to her house.  This was a school morning and it happened at 5:00am.

We came back home around 7:00am and everyone was there - aunts, uncles, friends and neighbors.  Everyone was crying and when I saw them, I started crying too.  We did not go to school that day.  My mom died at the hospital.

I felt like life was not fair that day.  My mom had died and my siblings and I always believed that she would live until she was old.  It was the saddest day ever.  While I am still grieving the death of my mother, I have learned that not everyone lives until they are old.  For some reason, whether it is disease, an accident or some other event, some people are taken from us before we are ready.  I believe that life is not always fair, but you always must keep moving forward.

This I believe.

Still here

You were wondering weren't you?  I'm still here.


I'm still here
I'm still the same
I'm still sad
I'm still confused
I'm still on a one way street... moving slowly... ahead...
I'm still alive
I'm still breathing... haven't taken a breath...
I'm still...
Yep, that's it...
I'm still.

Gone To Sleep

New favorite song!  I feel like maybe Moby and Kelli Scarr were channeling my thoughts when they wrote this song together.  This one will be a favorite forever with me!  Every word conveys my feelings at this time in my life, now, seven months after Lisa, my "sun" has gone my "light", has "gone to sleep".

Follow this link and watch the second or third video first - after you see the goofy photograph of the guy with a cloud in place of his head.  You can follow along with the lyrics below too:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126476733

Thin light - escape
We've run fast and we wait
All the time we waste
All the days replaced


Somewhere there's a Sunday in the Fall
Where everything you love is safe and warm
Where everything was right
But I'm never going home... (2x)


Thin light is long
The life I knew is gone
It's nothing that I've ever seen
Darker than it's ever been


Somewhere there's a Sunday in the Fall
Where everything you love is safe and warm
Where everything was right
But I'm never going home...
-repeat

But I'm never going home...


All the time we wait
All the time we waste

All the days replaced (2x)


Somewhere there's a Sunday in the Fall
Where everything you love is safe and warm
Where everything was right
But I'm never going home...
-repeat

The sun is down
The lights have gone to sleep
I never knew the dark would be so deep
Somewhere you are warm

But I'm never going home..

Now watch the first video which tells about the creation and inspiration for the song.  Then read again my comments below.
...  ...  ...
I feel like the guy in the photograph that inspired the song too!  My head is a storm cloud of anger, confusion, you name it...  The briefcase to me represents the rest of me, mostly my work.  The trench coat and gloves are keeping my emotions, thoughts, feelings inside while at the same time preventing the outside world from intruding...  keeping more hurt from entering.  Fall in the foreground and middle-ground forest represents the end of a chapter in my life, but I see Spring in the background - through the trees.

I didn't recognize any of this at first listen and first glance!  The first time I listened to the song, I really liked the music, but I thought the lead vocalist's voice was too raw and uneven.  Too pitchy if that makes sense.  Then I really listened to the words and found the connection I could make to them.

I had similar feelings for the photograph.  I had seen the photograph many years ago and I thought it looked contrived and silly.  The cloud looks too obviously "Photoshopped" in.  And again I found more meaning in it's content as I looked at it again.  I didn't find hardly any of the meaning until I was simultaneously looking at the photograph and typing my thoughts about it in the paragraph above.

Don't get me wrong...

Don't get me wrong...  I'm not suicidal.

But...

I want Freedom From This Pain.
I want to be able to Live The Dreams We Had with Lisa By My Side.
I want Clarity of Thought.
I want Peace of Mind.
I want Limitless Love.
I want Connection.
I want Reunion.
I want More, Brighter Light.
I want Rest.
I want What I Had.
I want My Love-Space Refilled.
I want Togetherness.
I want Unity.
I want Pure Joy.
I want To Move On, Now.
I want To Release The Guilt.

But...

I've got Jayson - Lover, Protector, Old Soul, The Most Awesome Boy On Earth!, Mommy's Boy (not Mama's boy), and Confused.
I've got Taysha - Peacemaker, Comedienne, A Beauty, Intuitive, and Hiding From Her Feelings.
I've got Maya - Beautiful, Daddy's Girl, Warm, Honest, Observer, and Angry
I've got Many Incredible Families Supporting me, Showing Their Love, Trying to Understand.
I've got Many Incredible Friends Showing Their Love, Supporting me, Trying to Understand.
I've got Love All Around Me.
I've got Beautiful Memories Of Being Loved.
I've got More Quality Love Than Many People Have.

But...

I want Everything I Can't Have!

But...

I've got Everything I Truly Need!

But...

Jealousy

Would you believe

I'm jealous because you've died

I'm left here to grieve

While you've got New Life...

You’re reunited

With loves that have gone before

I’m left on earth

Wishing I were with you, and them, once more…

Family and friends show me love

Like they never have before

But all of their love multiplied

Will never take the place of yours...

I was who I was

Mostly because of you

Now that you're gone

I've become totally, unglued...

You've been completed

You've ironed out your creases

And I've become the puzzle

That's fallen into pieces...

I'm left alive

So broken and angry

You've become All Life

So complete, whole and free…

You are perfection

I'm left in doubt

I feel confused

Can't find my way out...

I can't see you at all

No never, no more

While you can see right through me

Like I'm an open door...

You are now Love

Never again will you fear

I'm afraid of everything

Now that you are not here...

You watch me knowing

That this is the best for me

And all that I can do here is think of you

Endlessly...

I’m so happy for you

That you’re finally at peace

But now I’m uncertain

What it is I should do with me

Would you believe

I'm jealous because you've died

I'm left here to grieve

While you've got New Life...