Miscelaneous dribble

Finally filed today for Social Security for me and the kids. The kids will get a monthly benefit check (I'm sure glad they call it a "benefit"...NOT!) until they are 18 or out of High School and I'll get a one time payment of not too much in February. The kids checks will be enough to replace Lisa's income at least until inflation and cost of living increases.

I worked today too at an Early Childhood School near my home and caught myself looking at the teachers' left hands to see if they were available. I felt a little guilty because Lisa's been gone less than three months and I'm already looking at other women, but I know that I won't be replacing her any time soon, if ever.

Yesterday I was getting overwhelmed again with everything that "needs to get done". I'm getting TONS of help from my family and friends, but there still seems to be so much more that Lisa did that I cannot seem to get done myself! Mom and my sisters keep asking if there is more they can do, but there is a great big feeling inside of me that makes me want to prove to myself that I can get it all done. If Lisa was able to complete all of these tasks, I should be able to also! My mom and sisters have responsibilities of their own and shouldn't have to add me to their lists! {Yes, I know what you women will say - just let me vent; thanks}.

The kids have been continuing to do amazingly well! We mention mommy all of the time in our daily lives. It's feels so nice to me when any one of the kids mention her, there's no pain then because I want them to be able to talk freely and they each speak of her so rarely that it's great to hear it when it happens.

The four of us went to see the movie "Avatar" in 3D yesterday afternoon and I actually cried more than a couple of times because my thoughts kept returning to Lisa. Lisa believed in the same God that is depicted in the movie as the God of the Na'vi (the residents of the planet Pandora). Near the beginning of the movie, the lead male character is attacked by multiple, very vicious creatures that hunt in packs (the viperwolves). He proceeds to kill a few of them before the female lead comes and kills or runs off the rest of them in order to save him. She then calls him an idiot because he caused so many needless deaths among these animals. He can't believe what he is hearing because it was these vicious creatures that attacked him! Lisa would have felt exactly as the female character (Neytiri) did in the movie. Her point was that these creatures did not deserve to die, they were merely hunting him for food so that they could all continue to live. The male character was stupid because he put himself out there in the forest at night by his own choice; he has a more highly evolved conscience and he should know better than to put himself and the viperwolves into a situation where he or they would be killed!

In another portion of the movie, a human (Earth) character that is also very sympathetic with the "Nature God" of Pandora dies on the planet. I also saw a lot of Lisa in this character because of her love for all things natural. As she is dying, she sees God and exclaims about how beautiful God is! The thoughts that I had about what this character saw and what she said must have been very similar to what Lisa saw and thought when she passed... tears flowed...

If you want to go out, definitely see Avatar in 3D! It's a fabulous movie with an important hidden meaning! Take me too! On your dime of course.

That's enough for now I guess, I'm sorry it's been a few days since I posted anything, I had a little Bloggers-block going on. I have a few more ideas for future posts, so it shouldn't be long before I get back here - no guarantees though!