What do I do now with the dreams? The memories of our past together are great to have. But what of the dreams? We shared dreams together! Dreams are a part of those memories of Lisa too.
Lisa and I co-created these dreams, they were never mine alone, they never were hers alone, they were ours... together! Can I live them as mine alone now?
"We'll travel North America together on motorcycles!" "Well start in the southwest!" "We'll take only the back roads and we'll be able to just stop and photograph anything we want at anytime!" "We'll spend as much or as little time as we like at each place we visit!" "No preplanned route, we'll decide what's next less than a day in advance!"
A dream I was truly convinced that we would live out together! I KNEW in my heart of hearts that Lisa and I would travel together in our retirement! What a fool! What an absolute disappointment now!
I can't allow myself to dream any more... I don't want to dream anymore... It seems like such a huge mistake I made, allowing myself to believe in these dreams which, now, can never come true. If I'm to learn from this mistake then I'm not going to permit myself to dream again.
I know I can't allow this to happen! I know that I'll dream again. But I also know that when I dream again, I'll remember what past experience has taught me, I'll be thinking in the back of my head that these dreams may never come true. If I'm thinking that way, can they really still be considered dreams? Is that fair to those that I co-create the dreams with? Maybe my dreams and ambitions should only include myself as a player, that way there will be no future disappointment?
"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe." -Anatole France
"Nothing happens unless first we dream." -Carl Sandburg
"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each others dreams, we can be together all the time". -Hobbes (of Calvin and ...)
"Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn! Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life. In its brief course lie all the Verities and Realities of your Existence. The Bliss of Growth, The Glory of Action, The Splendor of Beauty; For Yesterday is but a Dream, And To-morrow is only a Vision; But To-day well lived makes every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness, And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope. Look well therefore to this Day!
Such is the Salutation of the Dawn!" -Kalidasa
j.
Jay, that's what dreams are-maybe, possible, perhaps. Imagination. Something to strive for, never guaranteed. To live without dreams is a sorry existance. And one thing I see in you is that you will not tolerate a sorry existance. Maybe that trip will never happen, or you may go alone, or it may be with one or more of your kids. Grandkids. It might even be with someone you don't even know yet. You, more than any of us can truly say that you can't predict the future. But that is the combined beauty, joy and sorrow of the future. I suspect you're a dreamer by nature, so to deny you dreams is to deny who you are. The dreams will lead you. Don't be afraid to let them.
ReplyDeleteJay, I am sure you will fulfill of yours and Lisa's dreams with the kids and as long as you ahve your kids, you will have Lisa. The next time you find a penny, pick it up because it will be from Lisa letting you and the kids know, she is watching over you guys. I beleive that from the bottom of my heart. Darlene
ReplyDeleteHey Jay, would it be ok if i give Mark and Bill your blog. Thanks Darlene
ReplyDeleteI hope you never stop dreaming....you appear so imaginative and full of passion for life. I believe that there are no guarantees in life but it doesn't mean I won't put in effort and take risks. Although I dream, create intentions, and take action....I don't always know what is my "highest good", I leave that to God, to the Universe. I make a LOT of mistakes and try to learn from them. I don't understand why seemingly "bad" things happen to myself and others. I do, however, have a lot of faith and I want to keep stepping up to the plate even when I'm pissed, downtrodden, and wishing things were different and more in alignment with my expectations. You are awesome and your love for Lisa and her love for you will never die, perhaps your relationship has simply changed form. She is with you always...albeit not in the physical. My heart extends to you as you and your children grieve such an incredible loss.
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